My winter plans/thoughts

dad got a part in the mail so this computer i do my blogging on will be made way more available to me than where it is currently located at now....meaning...i will be able to blog waaaaaay more :) i miss it so much :(



anyway.....

So christmas went well :)  the day was drama free, my nephew out did himself with his adorable sense of humor i.e hugging his pillow pet super tight then bashing his head into it...it's soft so its cool...pillow pet for the win!  the fried oysters were made by someone who HATES seafood....and turned out A-mae-zazing! and i got some pretty awsome gifts...such as: my cocktail shaker which has 15 different types of drinks you can make...a breathalizer keychain...no im not some crazy drunk chick...i just think its funny :)  tho uh do love a good double black diamond martini/ bluemoon with an orange slice...delish! but i also am awaiting for my diamond stud earings and my...wait for it.....ray-bans! yes! soooooo stoked...oh yeah!! *quietly bounces in chair* dude mike posner's song is going to be sooo much more fun to sing once i get them! 

alright now that i have everyone thinking im some lame materialistic, drunken, and vain chick.......lets move on....*rolls eyes*

but seriously...christmas was great...and now well im noticing i have a lot of free time on my hands even while babysitting for eli...which is going well :) i get paid on monday....so stoked! i also get paid tomorrow from my old sales job....i feel bad that people are having to work extra hours since me and this other chick left.... :/ although i did make the best choice for me....now i just have to figure out how to make the most out of my time.  uh i knw....i should be using it to catch up on my 2 books i have been meaning to read....and actually reading my bible...and actually doing a legit quiet time...now that Peru 2011 is on the radar....yeah thats what i said...Peru 2011....if all is according to God's plan for me i will leave the US to chill in Peru for 2 months....during the stay i will have the awsome pleasure have a birthday in another country....howcoolwouldthatbe!!!!!!!!!!!! uh but again like i said only if it is in God's hands.....*crosses fingers*  its going to have to be since its going to be about $2,200......yeah cest la vi :) 

so yeah...main goal for this next week...and no its not a new years resolution..... is to serisouly get back on track with my spiritual life now that i have this crazy thing called "free time" back in my life.

~Lo out

My christmas

i knw i knw i havent blogged much...but i will more hopefully sometime this week :) christmas is going well :)

~Lo out

My first season

So the last post was brief and not very descriptive...mainly because i had no time to write one....but i felt like i was being slightly lazy with the up keep...just like my bedroom.....im not sure when the last time i vacumed or saw my floors......oh well....  so for starters

im leaving my retail job in 2 weeks...well technically 1 week and 6 days as of today...i can tell this is going to be the worlds longest week..... ugh. Then beginning the first of Jan. 2011 i will begin my new job as being a nanny for my older sister watching my nephew...which is sooo totes magoats! i love my nephew! everyday is a new day in which he gets to learn something life altering...whether its a new phrase that actually makes sense, or how to give a high five :) i basically get to teach him the basics.....of the few things i do knw...i do infact have a phd in high-fiving :P well...if they did have that degree program i would have a phd.....

next another major change is one of my closest friends is moving in with the family.  sure i have had other last named people live in this house, but for the first time not just me but the whole family is excited for many reasons, mom gets to spoil someone new, dad gets another guy around the house who share similar humor, lil bro gets an older brother figure who is equally talented in the video juegos department, abby gets another person in which to con attention out of...and i get to be seth cohen...crap! that means i gotta brush up on my "Bright Eyes" and "Death Cab" knowledge....and learn how to skateboard down a pier....thank goodness i got the "quirky, awkward, never dated, good looking but still slightly socially inept" thing down.....yes i just made a very long OC reference....kinda proud....not to mention i am listening to my self made "oc station" on pandora....sn: should totally rewatch The OC again....

lets see whats next....um uh really need to start playing catch-up with everyone! ugh why do i have to work this week!?!?!?! at least i get to go to church tomorrow before work and i only have to work 5 hours anyway on sunday sooo its not all bad...and yeah i have to work monday to...but tuesday im off....sorta help the kid move in..not complaining but ......*crossing fingers* hopefully at a decent hour that allows for sleeping in. uh booked solid this week...kinda lame

but then again its only less than 2 weeks of this chaos and then im done. dont get me wrong....i loved the company i was serving, and the people i worked with...but it really does take a special person to work retail and well 2 family deaths, a lack of God, and some sucky "friends" kinda sucked all the energy out. 

yeah i guess i havent spoken much on the "sucky friends" thing, because i have tried to pretend that their lack of connection doesnt bother me....but it hurts ya knw. Sure im known for being the one to  initiate conversation...but hello relationships are a 2 person thing....

sorry enough of my rant...on the brightside though all the crap at least i have one full hand of people who love me..and yeah are there for me not just physically but also in mind as well.

alright well its almost 1am...and if i have every intention of going to church i should go to bed...

night

~Lo out

My final countdown

one of my closests friends is moving in next week

in 2 weeks i will go from sales girl...to a full time nanny for my nephew

session tuesday

christmas

2011 new year

1 word to sum up quick blog....

"yes"


.....kinda wanna watch "yes man" right now...but im headed to work

the countdown begins


~Lo out

My choosiest choice

Its never easy to make decisions. My problem is regardless of what i chose, i feel like its going to be the wrong path...or is it? Maybe it only feels wrong because its actually not...and for some reason the "doubt/guilty" feeling is really a feeling of reassurance that my next move is in fact the correct one.....

God,

I'm going to go out on a limb here and ask....Is this what you want?

~Lo out

My day before tomorrow

today started out well...but slowly started to dwindle to being bummed out....disspointed...not as well as i hoped it would continue...then again when wearing the only pair of shoes that i can work in cause me to wanna saw my foot off...then well that doesnt exactly help.

On the bright side, i got my shift changed so i can go to a church that allows me to be at work at 12pm...and after tomorrows shift i am give one week to do whatever it is i need to do to get my head clear and get back in the game for christmas.  Sucks that caroline as been gone for almost a month...a month being tomorrow. so having a busy shift will help i hope. ....*sigh*

the only thing i can do on a day like this is know that its almost over. Yeah im in a pretty negative place right now...but at least here i dont have to worry about my emotions.  I can feel however i want and express it.

:/

tomorrow

~Lo out

My San Jose De Quero heart

Peru...needs to happen again

My roses

i freaking love [Scrubs].....ok duh...i mean the whole theme is an ode to the show. Ran strong for 9 seasons which nowadays is pretty impressive.  There are many reasons why i love the show, but of all the top 3 would be

1.im not the only attractive blonde hair/blue eyed neurotic chick
2.hilarious with a touch of realness
3. music collection used

Im currently in the process of rewatching the series...i didnt even think about askin that for christmas!

sorry thinking aloud..

so i said i would talk about what happend yesterday in more detail..

i did end up having a good day like i said.

went grocery shopping with just my mom

one of my friends came to my house to drop off a surprise gift for me as encouragement (which it still is:] ), and we ended up getting taco bell and watching the end of "little miss sunshine" with mom and "Parenthood" (best show currently airing!) 

then went to my tuesday session where i was very encouraged by how impressed my therapist was with all the progress i have made in a year. She also gave me insight on some struggles i have been having with the whole dealing with greif thing and then some other issues.

afterwards i went to the cemetary and put roses at Caroline's grave.

mom and older sis drove past it today, and were pleased.  thank goodness :)

well anyway afterwards i had a nice dinner with the family and then went to 1822 where yes it was slightly dissapointing to not have a legit lesson but a  brain-storming sesh in hopes to improve what is lacking i suppose.  then i talked to friends afterwards and headed home. talked to mom then went to bed around 12am.








today i got up at 5am to make sure i was on time to work at 6am.  Work wasnt awful but i just got this uneasy feeling like im inches from being let go.  I'm showing up and doing what im told, but maybe they feel like its not enough?  It's hard to give 110% when you have dark clouds over your head...I know i wont stay like this for long. I will eventually get my sea legs back and be 200% eager to get out there...ya knw.  I guess to put it in simpler perspective, i feel like i just started and am soooooo concerned of losing my job because im scared to say something wrong, or do something wrong by accident....Goal for next week is to get my mental focus back so i really can leave my problems at the door and be one of the best sales chick eva!...easier said....but totally do-able.  My therapist mention incorperating 20 mins of exercise, and more sleep. getting the week off will help me kick-start the routine and before christmas is here i have a good feeling ill be even better than before all the craziness appeared in my life.... :) 

Gosh trying to stay positive is exhausting!  but its important at a time like now

~Lo out

My day ok

today went well, kinda bummed 1822 was about bettering 1822...sure input was needed from the ppl....but i kinda wished we actually had a lesson...not mad or anything...if i at least see one thing mentioned from this discussion come to be...then that would change my slight dissapointment.


im kinda tired and im working in the back tomorrow at 6am...no complaints its only a 4 hour shift...not to mention i love being with my co-workers and in the store..right now while im trying to get my train back on track, its nice that i can step back from the busyness and still make some money. 

session went well today and i made caroline's place look better....ill talk more tomorrow

i need to get to bed


~Lo out

My quitting thoughts

Ironically i ended up doing all three locations....and im proud of myself for having to go in.  the nice thing about it was they didnt really need me after all, they had to cut hours from people. I have a day off tomorrow and a session as well....hopefully my therapist can help me clear away the messyness in my head and help me figure out some ways to not be so easily derailed.

I refuse to sit around and do nothing just because life threw me some tragic curve balls.  that was the main reason i ended up going in today....well yeah i couldnt find anyone...but i could have just quit....and been like "eh im done" but im tired of running when i "cant handle something".  thats why i dropped out of college. I couldnt handle the classes and instead of pushing myself....i quit.  How am i suppose to find happiness if i just runaway?  Looks like I'm learning something through this blog of mine.....What's keeping me from "my yellow brick road"....

~Lo out

My ledge

it was easier walking the thin wire while having two places to grip one's hands.  But now, its just a thin wire to walk on, and a thin wire to hold ....sure there's a harness to keep  from falling, but the fear is still there. What if the harness breaks?  

I actually have been on a high ropes course before.....and somehow, even tho my feet are safely on the ground....those same emotions, fears, nervous feeling are rushing over me again...now.

I cant imagine quitting this job. it's the best i have ever have....but knowing i have to go in and feeling so closed in by all these fears, doubts, and sadness......isnt exactly preparing me for my 6hr shift...but i have to go in.  I couldnt find anyone to cover me...can i blame them? no not really, i never cover for anyone else because i need those days off so i dont get emotionally overloaded.  The good news is i do get to change my availiblity....though i have forgotten how...so that doesnt help, but quitting is not an option.

but back to the opening paragraph.  I have decided that im going in.  I'm scared and I will probably break down....but i have to for me.  If i get fired well...that sucks but thats the only way im going out....though i doubt i would get fired for crying.   My major problem when im upset isnt the crying its the inability to open my mouth out of fear of what words...if any will come out...and i dont mean what kind of words...no i mean even saying words....words that actually make sense.  I have been trying to figure out what room would even be the less threatening....

room 1: being outgoing with a smile, and making sure people are greeted and aware your there for them

cashier: basically cashier of course being outgoing and a smile...but theres also making sure they are being rung up properly or are having their returns/exchanges handles in a calm and understanding fashion

room 3/fitting room: basically the same is room one except the nice thing is the clients are usually a little easier since its trying stuff, locating items, and making sure they are getting exactly what is right for them.

none of that usually scares me...in fact all of those locations i have had the pleasure of enjoying....its just harder to enjoy anything right now....but thats too bad.  It's hard to wrap my head around this, but for the first time ever, no matter what happens i'm going in.  maybe mom is right and this is God wanting me to learn something.........*silence*

im not ready to step off the ledge, but there's a line of people behind me for their turn.

~Lo out

My last breath

I dreamed while taking a nap today, but it wasnt a good one. my dream was about me walking in a hallway of a an old library. As i was walking one of my chick friends comes up to me and screams "is that how you really feel!?!" grabs me by my shirt and begins to punch my face repeatedly. I manage to scramble away, but not far enough to find me curld up on the floor. She begins to continue the beating. Then this one girl i know who isnt for fighting stands and watches.....



*phone rings* and its over

when i woke up the pain in my mouth made me question if i was dreaming. before my nap....my day started out not so well....we had a meeting a work about keeping up the good work during this holiday season and how we should remember to make sure we keep our problems at the door......i seem to be struggling with that.  as much as i have made it a daily routine to fight back the tears and exhale i just didnt have the strength to do that anymore...even if the time and place was not what i would have picked. 

UGH  I JUST WANT TO CUT OFF WHAT TIES ME DOWN!

i feel as though i have an anchor tied to my ankle and im barely close enough to the water's surface for air....but im too tired to continue to tread water.   if i knew what to do to get my entire being to function properly so i can continue with this life...i would do it in a heart beat....but i fear the solution isnt so quick and simple. 

what to do what to do.....


~Lo out

My 'kids'

I have had the MGMT song "Kids" stuck in my head all day...well maybe stuck isnt the right word, more like floating around. Its not a bad song, no vulgarity, its catchy, its simple. The first time i heard it was on pandora...the second time i heard it was in this youtube video.  The video i watched wasnt an official band made , but one made from i guess some college students...anyway amongst a montage of video clips it has two people with painted face moving and lip syncing the words....the guy has captured my attention.


Yes when i first watched him, i thought he was attractive...but now i cant seem to stop watching. he is so captivating. his expression is so real and lately i havent been who i really am.  recently i have tried to slip back in to this pretend land where there is nothing but plastic people and painted smiles....but i guess my membership at the door is now being declined and i have to stay out in the cold.  to be honest i have really wanted to start running away from this new sadness created by loss, regret, and confusion.  It's hard to stay positive when those closest around you just cant seem to find peace and comfort no matter what....all i want is for them to have relief.  seeing the anguish in their eyes no matter how much they ignore her, surprisingly ebbs away at me.  Its not fair that as much as my friends have told me repeatedly that they are here for me and are willing to listen....that i myself wont allow me to truly release completely how i feel.  part of it is fear they will tell others and then word gets around to my family and i no longer seem strong enough for them, another is i myself will feel not strong enough to handle this, but mostly is because i honestly dont believe she is gone.

I went to her veiwing

i went to her funeral

i went to her grave

not enough proof.

i guess thats true what the kid says in "the santa clause"

"seeing isnt believing, believing is seeing"


~Lo out

My first kiss went a little like this

a year has FLOWN by.....yes ok so i have been thinking about my first kiss ever exactly a year ago....sure it wasnt what most ppl would want...but thinking back its crazy not the kiss itself but how before i was just a completely different i am before then....no im not saying the guy changed me...well maybe a teensy tiny bit....not as much as therapy, an amazing job, 2 family deaths, and a mission trip to peru may have played a part of in my alterations of being a better version of me.....did i mention my never ending quest for amazing blonde hair??? lol 

But yeah, i love who i am now....

funny, attractive, spontaneous, open-minded and when im frustrated, annoyed, or hurt...i still like who i am.

i think its important to know who you really are before you can figure out what you really want....and although i dont know what i want....at least im a whole lot closer to getting it :)  

yup


~Lo out

My first day in december

so its december 1st....and as much as my mom and i are trying to get everyone in the christmas spirit.....she cant even get into it...and well i usually am not into it at all and so its i feel as if im a one woman cheerleading team trying to get a huge crowed to say "go fight win!".....you know what i really really want to do....i want to cry.  I just want to cry out everything that keeps tugging my soul down...

~Lo out

My november recap

I cant believe how much lives can be permantly changed in just one month. As much as it sucks how much i have learned about my family and friends...i would guess i would have to say that of all the people who i honestly thought i really truly learned something was myself.  Even though i still am honestly having a tough time trying to keep from thinking about caroline....i guess how i have handled her passing was vastly more mature and benificial than how i handled papa's passing in june.   I'm not discounting God's strength in this at all....if anything im more in touch with Him this time than this summer...still need much work on making it a daily ambition to seek Him and spend time with Him....but knowing that He can help and that He will help me....and then of course seeking it.....thats what has impressed me about me.   Wow this actually is really hard to admit...that i am hurting. I do miss her...i just wont tell my family...why? well becuase they had a much deeper connection with her and unlike me who never spent any time with her...i held her like 4 times.  I just dont want to upset anyone...especially mom and older sis. *deep breath* this sucks....but again....its day by day...and tomorrow is a new day.  who knows what amazing things are in store...thus why i just wont allow myself to get caught up in focusing on the tragedies in life.

~Lo out

My float[tation] device

*sings" "do you know what it feels liiiiiiiiiike...being alone"

no im not emo, just taking a trip down memory lane...i found one of my old shirts i use to wear ALL the time my jr/sr year of highschool...oh and its looser than when i wore it  then....uh i am aging sooo much better than a fine wine!


haha thats post is being ignored haha im so distracted by http://wins.failblog.org/ and http://www.pandora.com/ .
then again after last night i could use this kinda of alone...because apperently im a.....



"alright dont worry even if things end up a bit too heavy we'll all float on."
~modest mouse

pandora can be so helpful

My late night shift

done with work! Just have to make it through my 10am-2pm shift and then im done till friday...pending someone taking my monday....as much as i would like to go to church tomorrow...eh ces't la vi.

tonight was fun...mostly cuz know one knws that we close at 10 lol saweeet!  but knowing the locals...they will find out and it will prolly suck...thank goodness for awsome co-workers :)

~Lo out

My lack of enthusiasm

work at 7pm tonight till hopefully 11:30pm  im soo tired already... although in reality i havent really done anything today except hangout  with people and drive.  No complaints, because the crazy abundance of work will make up for the lack of work from the past 2 weeks.  But i will however say....extra shopping hours does suck for the people working those jobs....well it good be worse...i could be working at a place that doesnt close till 1:30 am like Friday's.....mmmm Friday's.....uh love that place...but not as much as firebirds...unless of course Friday's comes out with something better than the double black diamond.....yeah i doubt that :P

Oh i got a new (to me) cell...with...wait....*dramitic pause* a qwerty keyboard :) ok yeah no big deal..maybe to you but to me its a pretty big deal :) yeah no more flip phone....that isnt even mine....

.....5:53pm.....hopefully work will be good....i need a red bull

~Lo out

My totes magoats

YES! black friday is OVA! 

Pretty tragic how bitchy people get when they dont get the gwp (gift with purchase) tote....um hello it said "while supplies last".....dont get an attitude with me because YOU slept in.....*rolls eyes*

well i guess that was to be expected especially from the XX's......ya know i think that Y chomosome is the reason guys are so emotionally stable...

The rest of my day was a "im doin me" kinda day. I went for a drive in the country, road on a highway with a speed limit of 70, caught up with friends, and then cracked open the paints and slathered my stress onto some canvas for a couple hours....uh it was JUST what i needed to cap off a day like this....

*starts singing*
On a day like this
On a day like this
On a day like this.....
I need the Lord to HELP me!

:)

M-Fuge good times

tomorrow i work 7pm-11:30pm
ya knw i thought that would be sucky...but after yesterday...thats a peice of cake!

~Lo out

My little cool thing

so im geekin out over this site i found while lookin up a scripture online.....to lazy to go look for my bible....

anyway so this site came up and pretty much it is awsome! That is if your like me and highlight the crap out of your bible and like to jot down notes and what not.   Its pretty easy not to mention rad!

biblestudytools.com

hope its as awsome to you as it is to me :)

~Lo out

My thanksgiving

The day is winding down to the end and i have to say, for the first time im bummed that the holiday is over..it was good this year. No family drama, had some good drinks, got to chill with friends, took a nap, got my itunes fixed, spent hours on wins.failblog.org , and was givin some good news about stuff that has been bothering me :)

I'm a tad uneasy about the days to come and the lack of time i have to chill....but like my mom said, i just have to take it one day at a time....and technically this day isnt even over :) tomorrow yeah im working the peak black friday hours 8am-4pm....but after that the rest of the day is mine :)   

God has been good to me these few days and i am so thankful for that (and no im not just saying that because its thanksgiving *eye roll*)  I mean yesterday it was around 6 wear i just started to feel like crap and just wanted to break down and cry....but there was a part of me that knew that if i did...i would be allowed to go home and i'd probably have an even harder time the next shift.....so as cliche as this may sound i went to the bathroom and really asked God to help me keep going....which He did by giving me at a chance to have some great conversations with other co-workers :)  and yeah it was the icing on the cake to be able to chill with people after work....

but i know with the next couple of weeks i wont always be able to do that with everyone's crazyness...along with mine as well...... and i thought the holidays was all about togetherness......

tomorrow kicks off the start of the last bit of crazyness for 2010....
~Lo out

My day back

First of thank you God for granting me my request :) work went well....the start of it was little tough but it got better, and then i got to chill with new people after which was also good.  Tomorrow...i hope goes without drama, its been something EVERYDAY so one day especially a holiday would be nice to really relax.

Got some paint and canvas so ill be starting on that asap...its been awhile but i have a lot i need to get out somehow and right now i feel slathering colors together may help...we shall see....it couldnt hurt :]

~Lo out

My dive in

"But if we hope for what we do not see we eagerly wait for it with patience" Romans 8:25
 
heading to work
 
~Lo out

My exhale

music is the easist way to explain how your feeling....that is if the people know who it is your listening to....so for me it was a david gray, the verve, switchfoot, and jack's mannequin while jogging/walking today.  It's been awhile since i got out and just "do me".....but thats what today is...as much as i wish i could continue giving everyone in my family relief by taking care of stuff.....i havent really taken much care for me...last night was not what i was hoping for when trying to "take a break" because while i was at eighteen22 i was getting txt asking if i could help stay out and keep and eye on the apartment while older sis was in the hospital again....btw she is fine.....just tired with a broken heart....Ok so that was harsh.... but im human and this is how i feel....and well this blog is the only thing i never feel guilty when im venting....

ok last night is over....get over it......ok

Im going back to work today....im kinda nervous...its been about a week and 1/2 since i have worked so i have no idea whats going on except that hours have changed and im working a crap load! i hope i can handle this...because honestly i feel like i cant.  Soooo much has changed!  ok *deep breath* i can....well more like i have to, for myself. I have to stay in this to prove i can.  I have come so far and everyone seems to be proud of the distance....so i need to keep it up regardless of how i feel in the moment.  I need to come up with a hobby to look forward to when i have downtime.  I dont consider this blog a hobby...more of like a place to air out life.

i hope to write some positive stuff on here soon :/

~Lo out

My time out

lets reign this all in....ok *deep breath in*.....*slow exhale*

alright, so yes this is not what i would consider to be one of my top 10 favorite of days....but the day is ending and yeah it was a tough on to endure....no reason to continue to lose my mind.  I cant be losing myself too.  As much as i would LOVE to throw in the towel and just stay curled up in the dark wishing for stuff to go away.....i dont have that luxury.  That's not fair to my family thats not fair to my friends.  Sooner or later im going to be needed and i need to make sure i can be counted on....i hope i have made myself available for others in this time of my own personal suckyness......knowing im not the only one going through stuff yeah its comforting but its also crazy that billions of people have their problems too...and its sooo easy to be consumed in personal problems that you foget about others.   I hope i havent done that.... :/ 

So yeah....crazy to go from never posting on this thing....to blowing up my blog in just a few days!  then again i do finally have a stable computer :)   See i guess i do still have the ability to create some positivity....good im going to need it when i start back up at work.  I'm not ready to go back.....but i need to.




~Lo out

My frustration

stop stop stop stop stop STOP!!!!!!!!!!!! im so fucking tired its not even funny! i cant take this shit anymore! my sister went A-wall at her doctors appointment and almost was forced to be hospitilized for mental illness....then as soon as everything is calmed down my nephew gets in contact with something and is having a serious allergic reaction and as soon as i was about to fall asleep i had to rush him to patient first.....and and please just stop.  Of all the people i just want to talk to she isnt even available for a second.  i miss my mom.

~Lo out

My achy breaky heart

I'm tired and burnt out. I have had amazing times with friends.....and i dont want to lose that right now because im not positive right now.....im trying to be that strong person in the house right now because my parents deserve someone who is willing to step up to the plate ya knw? my mom/dad deserve a chance to grieve....and they cant do that if they are taking care of everything still....and if i were my older sister...i would like some time to myself without having to worry about my taking care of a kid......i guess im more dissapointed in myself for not continuing to have the strength i have had that last week or so.....im not sure God is trying to show me with this.....i have been staying more in touch with Him lately...and im quite aware of His unfailing strength....but maybe im supose to be tired and  hurting for a reason... :/

~Lo out

My Paper Heart

I tried to go to church today, but I didn't last very long. I made it through a kids choir special...and to be honest that was kinda hard. I could feel this lump in the back of my throat and as soon as they annouced 5mins for meet and greet time I left unknowingly to the others. I took a longer way home to drive past her...she had really pretty flowers on her grave :)  I dont understand how i could feel so bummed when i didnt have that good of a connection with her like bunny/momma did....maybe i did and im just surprised because im not an "infant" person.  I had fun the last 2 nights playin with eli :) that kid is the worlds most adorable boy...he should be in a commercial or somethin...and im not just saying that cuz he is family....if you know my family....be honest you would agree too ;)   I'm really thankful God put him in my life...it feels good to be wanted by a man....even if he is 21yrs younger than me...lol.   I guess my hope now is that i can focus on getting back into my usual role as an associate for a super girly store....i do miss my co-workers and mangers.....i guess i just dont miss those customers that make me feel like a failure...cuz i dont want to hear any of that negativity right now....

aw pandora...how you understand me :)

All American Rejects: "Paper Heart"

my all time favorite song by my #1 band....

~Lo out

My own God

I'm pretty much ready for the family drama to come to a hault. I swear every moment its a new thing and ugh...everyone just needs to chill! Enough has been going on this last week....I would have to say that though im not as stressed or frustrated as most people in the mcneely household are....its not very pleasent to see everyone not as ok as i am...if that makes sense? 

Mom asked me what my older sister should do as far as rasing her son (my nephew) when it comes to a spiritual enviroment...well i never had the chance to actually answer seeing how..surprise surprise another "disturbance in the force" occurd.....but this is what i would have said....

She first needs to know that church isnt something you just go to on sunday mornings....church is the community that eventually becomes your second family if you allow.  And that in order to find that "second family" your going to have to be patient and also trust...i could not however give her a suggestion for churches because i myself am still struggling with being planted in a church myself.....i swear trying to find a church in your 20's is rediculously hard!   The traditional church seems too much above a 20 something's head...and the church perfect for a 20 something.....well is only good while in your 20's.....then eventually your too old for it and you wind up in the same problem....churchless


Ok so this post seems to be not flowing in the direction i intended it to go....but then again...im being oddly  helped by my own reflections and it doesnt hurt when you have a friend in the background playing guitar :)

~Lo out

My joyous song

Its only been a week since Caroline died...crazy huh?  It just completely blows my mind...uh just so...im not confused... i understand what happend i guess its more like....dude what the mess?? like when someone steals ur chocolate pudding while ur eating it...sure im getting better, and God totally knows what He is doing and He isnt nor is any one to blame for this tragedy....but it would be cool if she didnt die in the first place ya knw?  The one amazing thing i have seen from this is community.  Seeing love being given when we werent expecting it :) Things will be better...its just going to have to take time.

"He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ"
1Corinthians 1:8

~Lo out

My little teacher

Kids are irritating, annoying, loud, needy, tiring, frustrating, and constantly on the prowl to discover new ways to drive their family members to the brink of insainty.  The idea of making a creature of my own is not something I forsee anytime soon.....so I have watched and learned how to interact from faraway......

but maybe.....the distance is keeping me from truly grasping the lesson these little ones have to teach....

"I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heavem." ~Matthew 18:3

Of all people who loved kids....the fact that Jesus finds them far more important than ANY adult on the planet and way for worthy of heaven than the Pope or Billy Graham....well...dang...

I guess there is more to a kid being cool than those hilarious youtube videos of them doped up on morphine, or explaining the entire story of star wars..

They will believe ANYTHING you tell them without doubt....lol like this one time my sister and i played a prank on my lil brother, we told him their were ghost in the house and thats why we had to move out...so i got under the bathroom counter and made the drawers go in and out while making a ghastly sound...hahah he ran and screamed!! soo great .....

which looking back...yeah it was funny but i feel kinda bad that I took that belief and ran with it....thankfully he wasnt tooo traumatized from that expeirance...he is a somewhat functioning adult(ish) :P

Anyway that being said......that childlike beilef is what Christ wants us as Christians to also have. And let me tell you....adults have NOTHING under total control...there is always one thing missing or going wrong no matter how hard we try or where we are in life. 

Kids have no worries, no inhabitions, no fears keeping them from truly living life. 


So even tho kids may usually cause us old fuddy duddies to pull our hair out......they got it right.

As scary as this might sound...i think im going to suite up and learn from kids up close and personal with them....uh....ok....how bout start with one....yeah.....one.....that might be a safer idea...lol jk

~Lo out

My nightmare

Being awoken from a nightmare at 4:33am is not my idea to a good start to a day...not being able to go directly back to sleep...scares me even more. My dream was that I hangin out with my buddies and then all of a sudden one by one they start leaving me.

I hope it's just a dream.

~Lo out

My melted face

I feel like I have been gutted out. Empty, raw, and writhing from the process.

Sure you all know that I miss Papa, but tonight I realized what all I was missing and that was that he isn't seeing the God driven woman I am becoming. When I lady wad around him, I wad nothing to be proud of. I was foolish and childish. I had taken for granted my blessings. I'm no where near satisfied in myself, but I am working on trying to stop being so insecure whenever I do anything.

I cannot believe how much I felt the Spirit's comforting presence tonight. I didn't even feel it when I was in Peru! Don't get me wrong, I felt God there too, but during my down time I dreaded the idea of going home......tonight I felt no dread of the unknown, but pain and grief for the past.

I couldn't tell you how long untill I won't be grieving, nor can anyone tell me how long I have...but during this time I have been encouraged to pray for a chance to tale what was given to me by Papa and return the live to those who need it. I still strongly thinking about missions. It's simply a matter of praying for God to tell me where to go. After watching the "invisible children" film, I knew that helping kids/teens is what I'm suppose to do....soo we shall see...

I do hope that God will continue to comfort me through thus time of sorrow, I just need to make sure I continue to seek Him in order to see it.

I'll let you know how things go with everything.

~Lo Out

My day to "Remember Me"??

please forgive me for the lack of entries. the computure i use to use..well is no more :/ that and my lovely car chloe...who tragically had her radiator blown up earlier today while simply getting her tailights fixed :/ go figure.... I'm in a better mood than i was for most of today. even tho im 22 i still have blowouts..temper tantrums i guess except unlike somone i knw....i dont hit people. i just jump up and down and scream...and cry. but only when im pushed to my ultimate emotional point.  Thus happening around 11am technically yesterday...but yeah....to hear my car...aka my escape pod is out of comission because of lack of communication about the fact my car easily over heats....was not what i needed.  This summer SUCKED!! yeah it did for a lot of people i get it...people losing bfs/gfs, spending it looking for a job, feeling lonely for one reason or another....but no one ever asked me why mine did...not very many people asked me how i was doing while the summer was going on....i wish they did :/   instead i decided to pretend that the lack of communication didnt hurt me and ran away from the hurt by getting involved into the most ridiculous stupid trouble that was sooo not helpful. infact it made me feel even worse....causing me to spiral farther untill thankfully i got a break from the tempting crap when God gave me a chance to do some missions in Peru. The most amazing spiritual vacation i have ever been on....that was between aug.12-21 and since then i have been trying to turn over a new leaf and be the person i use to be....but yet incorporating some new better traits.....but that being said...to go back to what happend "yesterday" it wasnt just the car that threw me to my boiling point, it was the fact that i miss my friendships...whether they are lacking because of distance, school, work, or i was stupid and burn bridges before i even knew what was on the other side. ...and then theirs the new family member who im getting crap from ppl because i dont want to be around her,new born babies make me nervous....then its the fact that her mom and dad are people who are causing a lot of family drama......

all that and along with the fact that the 25th was suppose to be my Papa's 92nd birthday....yeah thats not happening......I hate that i STILL miss him!! he is dead he is NEVER coming back!!!! NOTHING I DO WILL BRING HIM BACK!! crying isnt going to bring him back, pleading isnt going to bring him back, talking to my friends about him isnt going to bring him back........and yet deep down inside, i wish i could say, "hey, i knw its been 3 months but i really miss Papa, and im hurting." yeah what are they suppose to say?? "um.....im sorry?", "uh.....oooook....and what do u want to do/say"......... pointless......so many times i have prayed, begging to God to take this away, to help me to feel comforted, to give me peace....but it only last long enough for me to get through work.  My therapist told me i should write down my feelings towards him. i did and i feel the same....still no closer.......i wish i could take a road trip to KY  and while back "home" go to his grave. I  couldnt go to the funeral with my family....i dont regret not going....but i need to see where he is now, but not with them around.....

sorry.....this all probably doesnt make much sense or flow properly, eh whatever.  *shakes head* im just tired...and i want to know that something good is coming around the corner for me. . .because im tired of wondering.


so far being 22 sucks!



~Lo out

My recollection

sorry i havent really tried to be on. life has just i guess happend :/  Job is going well, i like everyone i work with :)  sadly my grandfather died. He died back in June so yeah. i miss him. i dont feel love the way i did when he was around. hopefully i will again someday. im going to peru tho in august. yeah....i dont really want to talk.

~Lo out

My odds end

i feel like dirt right now.  its not that i was intentionally trying to disrespect my mom today...and yet somehow i did....whatever....

i just want a hug :/

~Lo out

My not what i was expecting wake up call

getting a phone call from granny saying papa isnt right is not what i ment by a wake up call! My parents fear he had/could have a stroke...i went over to their place today and i though he seemed off as well...i said i went to worship today what i didnt mention is that it was mainly about a pastor who died who was i think in his sixties....my papa is almost 92 yrs old....and this isnt the first strok he has had. he has been going in and out of the hospital a lot over the last few months and today at dinner, my dad was mentioning how he probably wont have long till he passes away...i mean its selfish to say i dont want him to go because he is really old and all of his friends he grew up with have passed on....he's ready.   I'm not.  Yeah i mean my grandparents drive me nuts...but so does the rest of my family...the only difference is that they thankfully have no idea what happend to me growing up as a kid and so when im around them i only think about the postive childhood memories of going to visit them and getting completely spoiled rotten! and the best part was papa was my bodygaurd/crying shoulder whenever i my older sister was around.


Even if he does recover from this....thats one less tick his heart has to keep going...lets face it being that old and all the problems he has been having he is going to die soon and i better start accepting it.  I'm blessed to have him know i graduated highschool and he is blessed to have gotten to hold his great grandson...i mean how many grandparents get the chance to do that!  It's comforting to know God has something to do with his life being so long because when i was born he was 70....and like i said as a kid he was my bodygaurd/comforter/joker everything....i dont want him to suffer anymore...i just well im selfish and im afraid of what its going to be like without him.....

oh goody....more hurdles to jump over...


i cant handle this right now! i mean its bad enough that im struggling to find peace in general, and im missing one of my amazing friends, and dealing with a dumb attraction...and work....i just want God to come down and hold me soo tight and never let go of me untill every ounce of negativity is squeezed out of me.


so if you are into prayer...i know my dad (this is his dad) will have a tough time and well the rest of my family but....also....i selfishly ask if you could pray  for me to be able to gain strength to pull myself together and keep moving forward.  my papa deserves to go to heaven especially after the life he has lived.



~Lo out

My need for a wake up call

ever have one of those days where no matter how hard you try, you just can't wake up every part of you??
well for me that's how i feel today.  i opened my eyes to the sound of my alarm going off so i could get ready for church hopping.  sunday school with one church was great and helpfull, and the other church i went to for worship was also very helpfull...and both i did retain some knowledge suprisingly...but i mean idk im just so emotionally and physically tired still.  i ran into "that guy" and it was nice that he said he was sorry..and well to be honest with his amazing gift of charm how could i stay mad...lol i knw im weak..actually i did just say i was tired...so that make sense..

the frustrating part is i can't seem to get a restfull nights sleep because their is soo much on my mind, and i mean going to therapy helps...but its only once a week...and its not coming soon enough!  im sure though once i go for this week i will feel better, and figure out a way to gain some sort of ability to learn how to relax while im working....thats my main issue....how to relax, and not over think everything!

dufhEFH;Wfdwfkjhaewhwefwh

i miss my buddy hannah :/ she would no what to say/do, especially at times like these....i feel bad informing her about how im feeling right now because she is having such a great time and that makes me feel sooo good because she so deserves to be having an amazing summer! that girl has been through enough mess with people...idk maybe she would actually prefer to know whats going on with me...ugh idk i just dont want to mess up with friends anymore and our friendship practically just began and really i dont want to ruin it. :/   she is soo amazing and insightful and wise and when she talks about her faith its so natural and not cliche at all! i really need a chick in my life who is well that!   I actually hope she rubs off :) i could use some good femal influence.....

hope i finally wake up offically today before i attempt to sleep tonight....work at 9am

~Lo out

My tire(d) week

Today was fun...sleeping in would have been great...but it was worth it to get to hangout with the two most entertaining guys in my life looking for new tires one of their's car.  Tell me that any place that sells you tires along with $1.50 hotdog w/drink isnt a freaking awsome place! ok im slightly biased because they so far are the only place i know who sells like 24pack of 8oz redbull!!! (i want someone to get that for me on my birthday...*cough* july 6th *cough cough*).

Although recently i have so enjoyed hangin with girls...sooo much fun!  I was having a conversation with one of them today about guys and whether or not i would consider trying to make friends with new guys....i said eh not really... I mean at this point in my life i think any guy really wants to get to know me...isnt looking for another person to play SSB (super smash brothers) they are probably more or less interested in me as a possible girlfriend/potential wife....or if they'er a douche...someone they would like to mess around with...fyi not gonna happen!!

anyway idk why i was thinking about that i guess with being hurt from last saturday's event, i have started to seriously rethink guys and myself...in the sense that yes i am attractive and i need to stop thinking that no guy wants me...cause obviously...they do...AND now that im in my 20's girls and guys have pretty much established their "go to gal/guy"  friend, so any new person of the opposite sex they are really wanting to meet....more than likely is to possibly start something on a more romantic level with.

On another note....I AM SOOOO TIRED! work is going well, but im just exhausted!! being on my feet for 7hours is nuts...well for me because im soo not use to it, but then again this is the life i chose for me...its either this or...school....then again....i would have to work regardless....so this isnt so bad.   I guess i will see the reward once i see my first pay stub :)  i hope i get paid soon because i really need to pay off student loans and car inssurance.   lol i find it funny that when i have nothing to do i'm lonely and begging for people to hangout with me...but now since im around people all the time...being alone isnt sooo bad hahaha wow who ever though i would say that!!   lol but all in all i do enjoy my job especially since i dont have to wear the same exact icky uniform like a lot of places require you to...and even though im on my feet a lot....the people i help are pretty much super nice..and the people i work with are super super nice..compared to where i could be working...so even tho the hours are long and i still havent found a shoe that keeps me from having blisters.....i do really enjoy my job :)  


So basically i need to remember that right now guys who want to meet me dont want to be "just friends" , and despite the fact that im super tired and my feet are sore...i do enjoy my job :)

Ugh tomorrow is sunday...as much as i really want to sleep in i should go to church....i mean if im still tired i could take a nap later tomorrow...usually once im up im up...if the schedual that i found is correct...ill be stoked! 

As much as i want to go to bed...i really need some one on one time with my buddy God...i mean after all He is the Only One who has been putting the peices of my messed up heart back together...man is He good!

~Lo out

My Bittersweet symphony

Work went really well today..thank goodness!  I feel like I really am getting better everytime I'm there!

Nice to have at least one aspect of my life doing well,


Actually  to be honest a lot of other areas in my life are going well,  sure i'm trying to more of a girly-girl than a tom boy...all the while still keeping myself spiritually in check especially around guys.  Yeah  i'm feeling better about last night and that whole..being extreamly angry and mad at that guy...now im not mad but still kinda hurt....

but if anything is going to make me cry...its going to be one of my favorite people leaving for the summer.  I mean i wish i wasn't sad, she is going to be totally serving God this summer all the while growing and having fun at the same time!  I know summer camp for me was one of the BEST times of my life and not a day goes by when i think about camp!  I mean if it wasnt for camp i probably wouldnt have the job i have now!  So i have more reason not to be upset...but i will be selfishly.  She has proven to be quite the amazing chick in my life the last couple of weeks i have gotten to spend with her.  She has been my crying shoulder, my barrel of laughs, and my sun shine on cloudy days :)  ok so thats a little cliche but i guess thats just the kinda relationship we have lol and i wouldnt want anything else!   I'm sure i will feel better once i get  word from her once she's there...and maybe if by an amazing chance get to see her a weekend.....pipe dream???

Anyway like i mentioned above at least work is going well so thats something that will take my mind off...and i have other friends around that are just as amazing in their own way :)   

tomorrow will be bittersweet....and no matter what God's got His hand on eveything/everyone  which is super comforting to know....especially when you dont knw what to expect...

~Lo out

My Eye roll

It's been awhile since the last time I was so mad I screamed....last night was one of those nights...

As much as I wish I didn't feel this way...I do wish I wasn't kissed by this guy last saturday. It's bad enough that before he was going wondering if 2 girls liked him...then after he kisses me he tells me he was sorry...to be honest i was ok...and then he tells me he told one of the girls he liked them...and got shot down.

It wasn't untill last night he had the nerve to ask me if i would tell him the name of one of the girls sitting next to me....first of all i just met her and thats weird...second...REALLY!?!?!? i mean seriously  you obviously cannot make up your mind as to what you want...so why even ask!

Ugh.....as much as the random moment was nice....the anger and hurt just wasnt worth it.  I was kinda hoping that my next kiss came from a boyfriend...but i guess im just going to have to make sure my 3rd kiss does come from a guy who really does want me and ONLY me. A guy who is going to call me sweetheart, or babe...idk but most importantly a guy who is serious about his walk with Christ.... know after these last 6 months staying focus on Christ really is super important in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle.  Thank goodness for those friends of mine who keep me grounded, along with doing what they can to cheer me up :)

~Lo out

My All Given

i was scared to go into work today. I had no clue what to do/ what to say...and i left feeling so on top! Like i felt like i could honestly say i gave it 110% today.  Sure i still have some work to do as far as being able to talk to customers while im putting their sale in as fast as possible...but i do see it as possible! Wed. i learn more about the products and i feel like i actually know more than what i thought i did!

My friends are being super supportive, and helpfull! UHH it blows my mind that once i stopped worrying whether or not they care....i could really tell that they do!  i know i have some more work to do on the inside...but i do believe with Christ's helping me out :)

today was very good and rewarding!

~Lo out

My Peace of Buddies' Mind

Emotionally drained does not even BEGIN to express how I'm feeling now...from worrying about being great at my job, a random *woah* :) moment, sad, frustrated, giggly, awkward, scared, and now pretty pissed for being jumped down by mom for having the car out late...when i in fact came home EARLY tonight unlike the last two nights....when i feel like today she has only been in a bad mood....yeah so that being said...im tired of this  crazy emotional ride ive been on the last couple of days....

it's time to get off the ride and chill.

I miss sleeping and I hate that i havent been do to stress and fear.
I miss being able to think before i say something
I  miss being happy for more than 1hr or 2

Im so blessed to have my buddies make sense of everything while im unable to. they arent afraid to call me out, and they love me no matter what i do....and after the last couple of days i still cant see how they do it!  and most importantly they remind me to seek God's wisdom/comfort constantly!

Its good to know im wanted even when im not around...makes having to plow through emotional time not as tough :) 

I'm going to bed and thank goodness i can tell that this nights rest will be peaceful!

~Lo out

My new job

I had my first day of work and as nervous and paranoid as I was to be "there", it wasnt so bad!  Sure there were frustrating parts but wow everyone is so nice and patient!  But I have to say the best part was.....all i thought about was the task at hand! I'm hoping that contiues as I get better with this job!  This morning really bothered me finding out how my "fears of  losing friends" actually hurts my friends...trust is a tough thing to give/gain but once you have give/got it...makes life so much less stressfull!  It felt good that a few of them  remembered I was starting this new job today and that they were even praying for me :)

I just hope one of my newer friends gets hired at the same place! uh that would be sooooo amazing!  I'm very much looking forward to this weekend because i can finally sleep and know that on monday I have another interesting yet fun learning experiance....there is soooo much to learn!!  did i mention i think im liking my job?? lol

i took my first much needed nap today for a bit...i think i now understand why they are so important to everyone else lol.....now im looking forward to catching up on my shows...and SLEEP!  


:)

~Lo out

My heads up

So the wednesday night dinner/worship went really well!  I mentioned i was frustrated in my last post about how no one was going to give me credit for this idea i had...well that was like so selfish and prideful of me actually my post as a whole yesterday was really selfish and pridefull....i mean first i went on about like i said getting no credit whatsoever for this wednesday night thing, and then i ranted on about how im irritating to my friends and....


seriously am i that lame!?!? 

I'm offending people without really meaning too! I actually still cant believe people even read this blog!

anyway i got a job and i start work today at 11am. im really nervous because i havent had a job in awhile and strangers i have to communicate with scare the crap out of me! Its a relief tho that im working in the same mall that one of my close friends also works at, so thats really reassuring.  I am worried, however, if i will ever get to go to 1822 or JC@theDG  but i really wont find out untill today :/
 uh *smacks head* sooo seriously need to stop worrying....thats what is getting me into trouble....if i really would trust that not only God does have is hand on everything....but also along with the fact that i am good enough to be loved and wanted by others...life would go so much more smoother for me!  this whole quest to be happy is completely in vain if i dont look at myself in a mirrior and figure out what "I" am doing to prevent myself from being happy....

i will let ya know what happend at work today

untill then...

~Lo out

My irritation

I swear these last few days have been very emotionally draining...i hate getting my period thanks goodness its almost over!  lots of changes have been going on and its tough having to change because of them.  other than the fact that im very sensitive right now. 

Im bummed because this wednesday night event i begged my youth pastor to allow, that "I" thought up, and  is now being taken out of my hands...I want to lead somewhere i mean this was MY idea in the first place....UGHlwkadjaw'leha'HFwa'f why am I not allowed to take the reigns on this one...im not even getting credit for it!!!!

Also...i felt like i was being annoying today hangin at the coffee shop. seemed like every word i said was stupid no matter what it was and i felt stupid because of it. so i ended up leaving to go to 1822 early to give them a break.  I felt better being around people i usually dont talk to...and thank goodness that seem to give me a peace about the "coffee shop group". 

i dont knw whats gotten in to me....i hate when people pair off because i never have a pair..and im not talking about a boy/girl pair....although quite honestly im sure having mr. right would ease a lot of paranoia i have about my friends...or God could do that job...yeah Him....i havent really been hangin out with Him much, i really should since i may possibly lose my worship days due to work.....im really going to miss worship[s] :/
hopefully God will help me out and i will only have to work in the mornings on tuesdays and nights on sundays....i really do feel like im becoming unimportant to people :/




ok so goal for the rest of this week......

let everything go and let everyone be....

because...if they love me they will come

~Lo out

My Anti-climatic day

ok I finally got a job! too bad theres no one around to come celebrate with me :/

~Lo out

My [un]mercy flush

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I don't know if you can tell but im pretty frustrated right now....

So I don't know about you but most people I feel don't enjoy communicating with people who get under their skin.   I feel like i have one of those man eating bugs from "the mummy" crawling all throughout my body and I cant get holds of it to cut it out of me. 

why!?!

well because i thought about taking the high road and ended up having my ego flushed down the toilet, and i cannot shake this awful feeling of frustration...

yeah not really feeling the love right now.....

~Lo out

My bitter taste

to everyone who is creating awkwardness/frustration amongst people...please stop.  It's time people should have a season of joy/chillness.  I would like to not have any drama this summer thank you very much! I'm going to do my bestest has avoiding drama extreamly hard along with being a better influence on people....so please do a favor and help me out by making it easy for me to accomplish my goal of a great summer :)

love,
lomingo




I hope tomorrow is a better day, on the bright side....music tonight at ellwoods was top notch!


~Lo out

My ugly duckling trapped in a swan

djfhas;ihWFHw'fohrefo!!!!  why can't I feel this naturally high when God clearly tells me I'm beautiful! 

easy, because I never really consider what He thinks about me, because I'm too focused on what others tell me.  I'm not saying I'm ugly....no way! im soooo much more attractive than I was growing up as a kid! Just i dont like who i am on the inside.  But that being said who doesnt get excited when someone tells someone else they are beautiful/handsome, etc.

Its how we handle it when we are told theses things.

~some will give every part of them just to be told they are beautiful or sexy...*rolls eyes*

~Theres people who could care less...

~people who appreciate the words but are too picky/self-absorbed/selfish to be into that person

I consider myself the 3rd catagory.....im actually really ashamed to admit this.  I mean I remember begging/crying/ screaming obscenities to God demanding why i have not been giving the chance to be with a guy....that was in november....


Well if you have read in my previous post...december was i guess the turning point for me when I selfishly kissed a guy just to say i have and i still am ashamed of myself because it only made myself not like myself even more! :/

I really do appreciate people who give me compliments about my outer apperance....but i feel like that's not good enough for me....and thats also why i have decided to just not date just because im bored...thats not fair to the guys if i have no intention of being married to them. 

I'm not ready to be a wife/mother....and i would like to very much be that one day.....

so untill i can 100% say i love who i am on the oustide AND the inside....im just gonna chill and enjoy spending time with the people who will encourage me and make me laugh.....and push me to become a better person :)

~Lo out

My Progress so far

Sooo frustrated with this stupid job market!! Why can't I seem to get hired anywhere??  *rolls eyes*  Go figure by the time I'm getting the courage to go out and put my anxieties behind me to ask a stranger "are you hiring?".   Regardless I'm not giving up and yes im suppose to have a job by June....will that happen eh doubt it but who knows...God could throw me a bone and work a miricle if He wants...i know He can, its more along the line of  does He want to????

Yeah well speaking of "Big Guns Upstairs", I would say I am doing pretty well with keeping up with Him, like praying more and not purposefully ignoring Him when its comvient for me...I mean I'm not saying I am now 100% perfect...my lips still have this tendency of spewing unneeded word vomit along with a "few" obscenities every now and then....But nonetheless I am and can say with honesty that I am at least "trying".



Now if i could figure out how to keep my cool when awkward situations arrive....

~Lo Out

My 2 cents well spent

Huh I never really thought anyone actually read my  blog.....untill now.  Somehow my last post got some heads turning towards my direction, and at first I was like...oh crap what in the world did i write to cause a slight disturbance??? I mean I have a million and one things going on in my head that its easy to forget what i blurted out on the inter web.  But then after looking over it again I realized i did still continued to feel the same way even after a day i posted it.   well i had a chat with one the head guys about my last post and though i could sense that my lack of tactful writing was slightly upsetting that he could see that he understood the feelings i was expressing and that it was important to see that i didn't feel so i guess hurt by the church.  


Ok so I'm not the best when it comes to properly getting my points across in a polite kinda way, but I think people got the picture and for that I am truly pleased :)  Now this doesnt leave me off the hook, I do have to put in i guess some effort of my own. I mean its going to look really never try to put in even the smallest amount of care and compassion in to cambridge that i myself am looking for.  Like I said before I may not be able to change people and kick the dust off my sandals from Cambridge....I  now have My 2cents invested.  


I think I could see myself making being a member for 20yrs....who knws maybe even longer :)



PS who ever read this and told my pastor....thanks I really mean that :]


~Lo out

My 2 cents change

its a great feeling when you just believe with your whole heart that you are loved by others, now if only i could feel like i belong.  I have been going to the church called cambridge baptist for about 19 years, my parents well sadly they have only been their for about 15 and that number has sadly stayed that way.  without getting into too much detail they were mistreated in an awfull way in which they never wanted to come back.  I kept going because of friends and it was a place i could run to...even during the dark times between my friends and i...church was still better than home.  Now 3 years after youth....i feel like im not wanted by the church anymore. theres nothing there for me and its heart-breaking.  one of my friends who has been going there has a great musical gift and clearly is wanted more than me...and yet that being said feels the same way..like the church doesnt care what happens to us.  a bunch of poeple have left and its like the church doesnt even think twice...hell my parents put there all in to the church and no one seems to be appologizing and begging them to come back....i get the whole some churches dont want to push people in to christianity....but i mean if that person/group of people are already christians....shouldnt they be keeping tabs on their fellow spiritual siblings???   

1Thessalonians 5:11 says "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing."

well i dont know if your aware but how is someone suppose to know that a fellow church member is struggling???  I feel like the youth are their own church...and thats never what was ment to happen. I and im sure their are others who feel the same when it comes to accepting the young like one of the adults....Becuase now that Im not in youth...its like being shoved off a cliff with no parachute!  The older adults have already experianced what its like to be 20 something...its a difficult and scary time that I know i could use some encouragement  on how to not let those scary times keep me from spiritually fall away.

point i guess im trying to get at is this:

i dont feel like a belong to my old church and well i cant force people to change the way they are....so im going to have to make a change.  and sadly the only way im going to grow is well...shake the dust off my sandals and move on :/

~Lo out

My lousy excuse for a car

I'm trying so hard to climb out of this hole I have set for myself; however, I never thought this process would hurt so much.  I'm going out and putting in job applications even though the whole job aspect of life scares me.  I am allowing myself to risk the danger of getting hurt by loving others....and well what do you know one of the most important people is making it near impossible to continue showing her compassion when she constantly makes me feel  less than everyone else.  My parents have no problem telling me I need to get a job, though seem to care-less that I'm listening to them or even contradict themselves by saying "you have done enough today you dont have to go out and look for one."  And then theres the issue of being complete terrified of my lonely future....

So basically I'm feeling scared, confused, let down, and frustrated.  I praise God for people like Hannah, Landon, and my Counselour for being by my side....except for my counselour who I pay to see...I'm afraid to tell the other two that I'm still hurting. 

It's hard for me to move on after a breakdown...without some sort of "extra help" and by that I mean in a sinful form. But no worries I'm not turning back to my old ways just so I can stop crying...no thats what my problem is now...since I dont have those "things" in my life...I have nooo clue how to stop being well...brokendown.

Dont get my wrong I'm not at the depressed leval...I'm still going out there and putting in applications to places, I still will continue to struggle but no less continue to have compassion for "them", and well as far as my parents go...I don't really know but as long as they are happy...thats good. 









but i want to be happy

~Lo out

My "Dammit"

Well its April, and I have to say I never thought from where I started this blog I would feel like I made some real progress in this thing called life.  " Grow Up!" has been an obscene phrase for me for awhile...but now...I really do feel like I'm actually trying.  It sucks that I missed out on the right time to be immature as a kid...however being almost 22 and trying to make up for lost time just looks stupid.  So now I am doing this thing called looking for a job and saving money instead of just chillin around the house and constantly texting people to come hangout with me....which actually seems to be the reverse nowadays.....I love it when people ask me to hangout with them :)  Well I should probably cut this short so I can get a shower and go out their and give the job hunt another go :/   

My Phil of Love

Come close listen to the story

About a love more faithful than the morning
The Father gave His only Son just to save us

The earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt the Fathers B-r-o-k-e-n Heart
Tears were filling Heaven's Eyes
The day that True Love died, the day that True Love died
When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that True Love died, The day that True Love died

Search your heart you know you can't deny it
Come on, lose your life just so you can find it
The Father gave His only Son just to save us

The Earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt The Fathers b-r-o-k-e-n heart
Tears were filling Heaven's Eyes
The day that True Love died, the day that True Love died
When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that True Love died, The day that True Love died

Now, Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Oh, He is alive
He rose again

When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that True Love died, The day that True Love died

Come close listen to the story...



This is "True Love" by Phil Wickham has just I don't know...just been so helpfull I guess you could say.  It's never been easy for me to have empathy towards what Christ did for us.  I'm not in any way shape or form musically inclined, but music is a big big way for me to express myself when I find a song that I can relate with.  Phil seems to be an extreamly blessed when it comes to putting words and instruments together!

Easter is around the bend and it's going to be a new expericance with having no family traditions to endure.   I'm not sure what Easter without hunting for eggs, big dinner, and easter baskets is like but I'm going to find out soon enough.....wow....Easter truly isn't about any of that stuff anyways...it's exactly what these lyrics are about...Christ's love for the world to give us a guiding light while we endure the hardships through this life so we can find everlasting peace and joy in heaven instead of hell on both earth and...well hell.

It's not been easy for me to apply this thought into my way of life...but when I seriously think about how awful my life is without knowing what to do, where to go, and just feeling so dirty and unloved.....why would do I tend to choose to ignore His existance???? This thought saddens me...but at least I know that no matter how many times I get distracted...when I turn around He is right there smiling back at me and reaching out His hand to take mine.  :)

I love Jesus Christ

~Lo out

My Self Sabotage

I hate it when I make myself become a empty dirty pit.  I have no idea why I keep allowing  my self-seeking mind to corrupt the amazing work that Jesus has done within me....ugh time to start all over again tomorrow.  If I seriously could make it just one day without being selfish, I feel like that would be a huge accomplishment!  *rolls eyes* this is getting rediculous!

~Lo out

My transit[ion]

Hi my name is Lorissa and I suck at life....*random life suckers* "hi Lorisa....."

Seriously though Why is it I find myself dragging myself down!  There is the internal conflict where "Lo" I guess you could say is the mature(ish) one who loves experiancing new things, and then theirs "Lorissa" who much rather not take any risks and just live in a world that doesn't actually revolve around her....

I don't really know who I am now, because I have changed a few ways I use to live my life and for the better, it's just that ...ok um how to make this make sense....um I have a leaf that im trying to turn over and I tend to get stuck sideways....*smacks head* ok that doesnt make any sense....




I don't want to be scared to date guys
I don't want to be a jerk around the people I like
I don't want to say "love" I want to apply "love" to my life
I don't want to give up when I'm annoyed with someone
I don't want to be a robot dreaming of being more than just metal


I just want to be more than what I am now.



~Lo out

My Nonesense

Lent has been hard.  I gave in tuesday night and as much as I would like to hate myself for it...I won't.  My girl megs and austen have been super helpful in being my shoulders to lean on.  Wednesday I knew I had a lesson to plan for and at first the thought of not doing on sounded tempting but...heh I guess giving into temption is a common thing for me to do so I decided to talk about the importance of really learning something from Christ's sufferings and applying it to our lives and the lives of others...or at least that I was going for. The kiddies werent so much into paying attention as they were for carrying on mulitiple conversations....Today has been an eh day. I got checked out by the I guess you could call them construction guys at Ukrops...or so my mom says.. I mean they said something though I personally couldnt make it out.  Mom seems to feel that guys checking me out should boost my self-confidence....it doesnt, I mean I know I look good...God made me...He made all of us in His image thus everyone looks good. Just people get stupid and seem to come up with some sort of ranking "good-looking" scale that determines ones ability to attract someone....false.


Ok so while I am typing this I really just am killing time so I can hurry up to get to this weekend, and then get to next weekend....and the weekend after that!  Saturday is a girls night out...I need one! Sunday well church in the morning and then 6:33. Next friday "Remember Me" comes out with Rob Pattinson as the leading role *swoon* and the friday after "The Runaways" comes out with Kristen Stewart, Dakota Fanning as leading ladies...not to much the movie is going to be totally bad ass!  Sure not exactly a movie one would take a youth group to but any movie about female domination is kinda gulity pleasure of mine. I have always claimed "boys are smart girls are dumb" kinda mentality BUT secretly in all honesty Girls are totally freaking well bad ass!  I mean seriously we can take more pain, cry without embarrassment, wear any gender cloathing and still be considered attractive, and we smell good! Add music/drama to a movie and I say its going to be a winner.  One of my favorite movies is called "Prey for Rock-Roll" not a true story but its also about all girl rock band sept instead of being full of minors they are full of like 30-40 yr old chicks...who can still play there instruments..

Alright and yes I will agree the fact that all three of those actors are also going to be in "Eclipse" is another reason I'm stoked for the movies...June 30th is a ways away I need SOMETHING to tie me down till then....I really need to pick up Twilight and New Moon.....


I'm sure my next post will be more entertaining then this babbling nonsense about movies and such...

~Lo out

My Window Pain

Being sick blows...well for me this week that wasn't just a figure of speech. After 2 weeks of begging to God PLEASE DON'T LET ME GET SICK!! Well I was the final victim,  but at least the torture only truly lasted for 24hrs.  Ugh I cannont remember the last time I was doubled over in so much pain crying out "Lord please make this stop!" which it did a lot sooner for me then those before me.  Now even though I was slightly upset that God didn't allow me completely avoid the stomache bug,  He did show me the importance of crying out for His help in times of trouble.   I forgot how easy it is to realize to quickly seek God for help through physical pain (for me) than it is to seek His refuge in times of internal/emotional conflicts. 

I totally got the hint Buddy :]

~Lo out

My Not so Alone Time

Life seems to be going really well for me!  I feel good about myself, starting to be more aware of what others around me are up to, God is like totally my BFF lol, and I don't hate the fact that I'm single.  So that being said...I did feel like I needed to be challanged so I decided to try Lent for a change (where you give something up for 40 days to try and draw you closer to God) Typically its a catholic thang, but I didn't really see that as being a reason not to do it.  I felt as though I am at that point where I do need to start strengthen my faith and what better way than to give up something that one may feel that "can't go without".  So I did and no I'm not going to tell yall what I gave up..though trust me it HAS NOT been easy whatsoever!  I swear my days have gotten longer because of it! It has been a struggle to get through each temptation, but I have been succesfull thanks to God :). 


I do have one concern about this...last night I experianced this awful feeling of something watching me..something evil...call me crazy but mabey something hates the idea that I'm in a good place...I know God will protect me..I just am starting to relize that I truly am not alone...even tho theres no one around...creepy thought I know!

~Lo out

My Youthful longing

Ugh I really really REALLY want to make the youth group at my church better and I just feel like I'm at a loss!  I have this passion for wanting youth to really get close to Christ and be able to learn how to turn and trust Him whenever troubles in life arise.  I just feel like no one of authority is listening to me and it's frustrating! I mean I'm not saying the head leaders are bad at their job, just I  have a LOT of time on my hand that I could be using to plan and come up with events....but theres no point if no one will allow me to put these events in to action!   What do I do?

~Lo out

My Busy(less) life

I have been one freaking busy person this past week and I loved it!  I enjoy being busy and I'm going to miss the feeling.  It makes me feel like I'm usefull!  Now that DNOW is said and done, what do I have to look forward to now?!?!  I suppose I can ask God for something to do....yeah I'm pretty sure He can come up with a task or a billion to do.....guess I should start Praying....and then wait and see.....

~Lo out

My Week's end

I know, I know it's been a week sense I last talked to yall but well have no fear....LO IS HERE!! *smile*  Anyway Both Camp Willow Run "Joint Retreat" and Disciple-Now have been so just spiritually empowering to me!  I'm speechless

~Lo Out

My Injustice

I'm working on 5 hours of sleep right now and a chat with mom and older sis wasn't exactly on my to do list. I have been stressing out since about 10:30am looking for a backup plan as to getting retreat travel plans figured out...(which still unsure if I have a spot  in the caravan)   I just feel like crap right now. I'm tired, frustrated, anxious, and nervously wondering what to expect out of the weekend.  I hate snow....I have yet to have a snowfall this winter I have been able to enjoy. 

I know a majority of my problem is I am holding in anger and resentment towards a lot of people.  I don't have anyone room to really allow Jesus to do a good work in me, and I know I am not only hurting myself but also those who are innocent.  They sadly keep getting the negative version of me because my anger/hatred for others is spilling into other parts of my life where it doesn't belong...this "attmept of control" is out of control.    I want justice my way and even though I know as a believer I'm not going to get it....I can't keep myself from seeking it!  How many poeple do you know who would admit this about themselves.....  

~Lo out

My Ugly Truth

I CAN'T TAKE THEM ANYMORE!!!  How am I suppose to become a mature adult when I'm surrounded by clowns!!  My older sister and her hubby have got to go! I don't know who I despise the most..my sister or her husband...I'm actually going to say her hubby because I'm not related to him and I have no idea how to mentally handle his snarky remarks untill the pressure builds up and I do something I should regret. Like when I called him a dick infront of my parents   *snickers*.  Why? Well after everyone (as always) complimented dinner I fixed, he decided he was going to be funny and say, "No I don't want any it smells bad!"...IT SMELLED AMAZING!!!

Alright, so maybe I'm more angry than I should be, and yet for some reason cannot seem to shake this emotion. Unlike Jesus, I don't seem to have the ability to lash out properly.  I just don't know what to do with them.  They say I keep, "getting my way"...whatever that means...and yet they are the ones sporting sinister smiles on their not so angelic faces.  Sure I'm no saint *sings "but she'll bring you to your knees"* (guess that song!!) I have my moment(Sssss) but I call foul because I'm being double teamed! HOW CAN I NOT BE FRUSTRATED!!!

Let's just hope the weather keeps from ruining my weekend getaway. I don't care If it's raining in NC as long as I'm there!   At this point I'm not looking for a change in my spirituality...but just a break from being swamped with feeling angry/upset/broken because of my dysfunctional home...not to mention giving my mom a break from having to referee between me and....them because I'll be honest I do recognize I'm 1/3 of the problem.






Come to think of it after talking to Sweets, My problem isn't them It's Him.  And by Him I mean God/Christ/Holy Spirit....Big Guns Upstairs dude.... I  know that if I actually do follow Christ ways I am going to have to have compassion on the people "I" feel DO NOT deserve it from me.   Harsh yes....truth yes....is that going to change....I have a feeling it will and not by my doing.   *Sigh*


~Lo out

My Dead Batteries

So I have some good news and some bad news... Bad news is tomorrow (unless I feel like it) will be the only post till sunday. Good news is I'm sure I will have loads to tell yall on sunday's post! Why????

Well I will be off at Camp Willow Run for a church retreat attempting to hopefully figure out why  I'm hoping this weekend will jumpstart my "dead" heart and get me closer to Christ again!  It's been soooo long since I have sensed His presence.  I'm going to be honest and say that I really do need His voice whispering in my ear telling if what I am doing is good or bad...like the cricket in pinocchio...does anyone know why some fairy chick would use a cricket for a wooden boy's conscious????

Anyway, I really do not know what to expect out of the weekend. I mean don't get me wrong I'm totally hoping for a spiritual awakening, but I shouldn't be banking on this weekend for that to happen.  Yeah I know I mentioned last post I felt guilty for sinning, and yet that moment wasn't "intense" enough for me to change the "error of my ways". That being said I shouldn't expect a weekend away change my whole outlook on life, but at the same time I need to keep an open mind because it could possibly change me permanently in some positive way.   At least no matter what I will be out of the house and that's a retreat in and of itself!

Ugh I have quite the busy day tomorrow...thank goodness! I need to pack, see my grandparents, find a new battery for my cell (that water didn't destroy completely!), hmm ok so maybe that isn't as busy as most people's day lol but the fact that I have ANYTHING planned is busy for me lol....hey but you know what they say.....

Idol hands are the devil's playground!

~Lo out

My More Than Useless night

It's been awhile since I have felt guilty for sinning.  I feel a mixture between feeling gross,anxious and disgusted  with a hint of warmth and lightness....  As much as I am tired and dirty, at least I feel like I found hope that Jesus hasn't forgotten about me. My efforts in seeking Him were not a waste.  So what now.....well  I need to come up with a more spiritually fullfilling substitute.  Uh now that I think about it...I think the FIRST thing I am going to do is try this sleeping thing again....

I find it ironic how pandora is playing this song:

"I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once"
"More Than Useless" by Relient K

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus". Romans 3:23-24

Good to know thanks God!

~Lo out