My november recap

I cant believe how much lives can be permantly changed in just one month. As much as it sucks how much i have learned about my family and friends...i would guess i would have to say that of all the people who i honestly thought i really truly learned something was myself.  Even though i still am honestly having a tough time trying to keep from thinking about caroline....i guess how i have handled her passing was vastly more mature and benificial than how i handled papa's passing in june.   I'm not discounting God's strength in this at all....if anything im more in touch with Him this time than this summer...still need much work on making it a daily ambition to seek Him and spend time with Him....but knowing that He can help and that He will help me....and then of course seeking it.....thats what has impressed me about me.   Wow this actually is really hard to admit...that i am hurting. I do miss her...i just wont tell my family...why? well becuase they had a much deeper connection with her and unlike me who never spent any time with her...i held her like 4 times.  I just dont want to upset anyone...especially mom and older sis. *deep breath* this sucks....but again....its day by day...and tomorrow is a new day.  who knows what amazing things are in store...thus why i just wont allow myself to get caught up in focusing on the tragedies in life.

~Lo out

My float[tation] device

*sings" "do you know what it feels liiiiiiiiiike...being alone"

no im not emo, just taking a trip down memory lane...i found one of my old shirts i use to wear ALL the time my jr/sr year of highschool...oh and its looser than when i wore it  then....uh i am aging sooo much better than a fine wine!


haha thats post is being ignored haha im so distracted by http://wins.failblog.org/ and http://www.pandora.com/ .
then again after last night i could use this kinda of alone...because apperently im a.....



"alright dont worry even if things end up a bit too heavy we'll all float on."
~modest mouse

pandora can be so helpful

My late night shift

done with work! Just have to make it through my 10am-2pm shift and then im done till friday...pending someone taking my monday....as much as i would like to go to church tomorrow...eh ces't la vi.

tonight was fun...mostly cuz know one knws that we close at 10 lol saweeet!  but knowing the locals...they will find out and it will prolly suck...thank goodness for awsome co-workers :)

~Lo out

My lack of enthusiasm

work at 7pm tonight till hopefully 11:30pm  im soo tired already... although in reality i havent really done anything today except hangout  with people and drive.  No complaints, because the crazy abundance of work will make up for the lack of work from the past 2 weeks.  But i will however say....extra shopping hours does suck for the people working those jobs....well it good be worse...i could be working at a place that doesnt close till 1:30 am like Friday's.....mmmm Friday's.....uh love that place...but not as much as firebirds...unless of course Friday's comes out with something better than the double black diamond.....yeah i doubt that :P

Oh i got a new (to me) cell...with...wait....*dramitic pause* a qwerty keyboard :) ok yeah no big deal..maybe to you but to me its a pretty big deal :) yeah no more flip phone....that isnt even mine....

.....5:53pm.....hopefully work will be good....i need a red bull

~Lo out

My totes magoats

YES! black friday is OVA! 

Pretty tragic how bitchy people get when they dont get the gwp (gift with purchase) tote....um hello it said "while supplies last".....dont get an attitude with me because YOU slept in.....*rolls eyes*

well i guess that was to be expected especially from the XX's......ya know i think that Y chomosome is the reason guys are so emotionally stable...

The rest of my day was a "im doin me" kinda day. I went for a drive in the country, road on a highway with a speed limit of 70, caught up with friends, and then cracked open the paints and slathered my stress onto some canvas for a couple hours....uh it was JUST what i needed to cap off a day like this....

*starts singing*
On a day like this
On a day like this
On a day like this.....
I need the Lord to HELP me!

:)

M-Fuge good times

tomorrow i work 7pm-11:30pm
ya knw i thought that would be sucky...but after yesterday...thats a peice of cake!

~Lo out

My little cool thing

so im geekin out over this site i found while lookin up a scripture online.....to lazy to go look for my bible....

anyway so this site came up and pretty much it is awsome! That is if your like me and highlight the crap out of your bible and like to jot down notes and what not.   Its pretty easy not to mention rad!

biblestudytools.com

hope its as awsome to you as it is to me :)

~Lo out

My thanksgiving

The day is winding down to the end and i have to say, for the first time im bummed that the holiday is over..it was good this year. No family drama, had some good drinks, got to chill with friends, took a nap, got my itunes fixed, spent hours on wins.failblog.org , and was givin some good news about stuff that has been bothering me :)

I'm a tad uneasy about the days to come and the lack of time i have to chill....but like my mom said, i just have to take it one day at a time....and technically this day isnt even over :) tomorrow yeah im working the peak black friday hours 8am-4pm....but after that the rest of the day is mine :)   

God has been good to me these few days and i am so thankful for that (and no im not just saying that because its thanksgiving *eye roll*)  I mean yesterday it was around 6 wear i just started to feel like crap and just wanted to break down and cry....but there was a part of me that knew that if i did...i would be allowed to go home and i'd probably have an even harder time the next shift.....so as cliche as this may sound i went to the bathroom and really asked God to help me keep going....which He did by giving me at a chance to have some great conversations with other co-workers :)  and yeah it was the icing on the cake to be able to chill with people after work....

but i know with the next couple of weeks i wont always be able to do that with everyone's crazyness...along with mine as well...... and i thought the holidays was all about togetherness......

tomorrow kicks off the start of the last bit of crazyness for 2010....
~Lo out

My day back

First of thank you God for granting me my request :) work went well....the start of it was little tough but it got better, and then i got to chill with new people after which was also good.  Tomorrow...i hope goes without drama, its been something EVERYDAY so one day especially a holiday would be nice to really relax.

Got some paint and canvas so ill be starting on that asap...its been awhile but i have a lot i need to get out somehow and right now i feel slathering colors together may help...we shall see....it couldnt hurt :]

~Lo out

My dive in

"But if we hope for what we do not see we eagerly wait for it with patience" Romans 8:25
 
heading to work
 
~Lo out

My exhale

music is the easist way to explain how your feeling....that is if the people know who it is your listening to....so for me it was a david gray, the verve, switchfoot, and jack's mannequin while jogging/walking today.  It's been awhile since i got out and just "do me".....but thats what today is...as much as i wish i could continue giving everyone in my family relief by taking care of stuff.....i havent really taken much care for me...last night was not what i was hoping for when trying to "take a break" because while i was at eighteen22 i was getting txt asking if i could help stay out and keep and eye on the apartment while older sis was in the hospital again....btw she is fine.....just tired with a broken heart....Ok so that was harsh.... but im human and this is how i feel....and well this blog is the only thing i never feel guilty when im venting....

ok last night is over....get over it......ok

Im going back to work today....im kinda nervous...its been about a week and 1/2 since i have worked so i have no idea whats going on except that hours have changed and im working a crap load! i hope i can handle this...because honestly i feel like i cant.  Soooo much has changed!  ok *deep breath* i can....well more like i have to, for myself. I have to stay in this to prove i can.  I have come so far and everyone seems to be proud of the distance....so i need to keep it up regardless of how i feel in the moment.  I need to come up with a hobby to look forward to when i have downtime.  I dont consider this blog a hobby...more of like a place to air out life.

i hope to write some positive stuff on here soon :/

~Lo out

My time out

lets reign this all in....ok *deep breath in*.....*slow exhale*

alright, so yes this is not what i would consider to be one of my top 10 favorite of days....but the day is ending and yeah it was a tough on to endure....no reason to continue to lose my mind.  I cant be losing myself too.  As much as i would LOVE to throw in the towel and just stay curled up in the dark wishing for stuff to go away.....i dont have that luxury.  That's not fair to my family thats not fair to my friends.  Sooner or later im going to be needed and i need to make sure i can be counted on....i hope i have made myself available for others in this time of my own personal suckyness......knowing im not the only one going through stuff yeah its comforting but its also crazy that billions of people have their problems too...and its sooo easy to be consumed in personal problems that you foget about others.   I hope i havent done that.... :/ 

So yeah....crazy to go from never posting on this thing....to blowing up my blog in just a few days!  then again i do finally have a stable computer :)   See i guess i do still have the ability to create some positivity....good im going to need it when i start back up at work.  I'm not ready to go back.....but i need to.




~Lo out

My frustration

stop stop stop stop stop STOP!!!!!!!!!!!! im so fucking tired its not even funny! i cant take this shit anymore! my sister went A-wall at her doctors appointment and almost was forced to be hospitilized for mental illness....then as soon as everything is calmed down my nephew gets in contact with something and is having a serious allergic reaction and as soon as i was about to fall asleep i had to rush him to patient first.....and and please just stop.  Of all the people i just want to talk to she isnt even available for a second.  i miss my mom.

~Lo out

My achy breaky heart

I'm tired and burnt out. I have had amazing times with friends.....and i dont want to lose that right now because im not positive right now.....im trying to be that strong person in the house right now because my parents deserve someone who is willing to step up to the plate ya knw? my mom/dad deserve a chance to grieve....and they cant do that if they are taking care of everything still....and if i were my older sister...i would like some time to myself without having to worry about my taking care of a kid......i guess im more dissapointed in myself for not continuing to have the strength i have had that last week or so.....im not sure God is trying to show me with this.....i have been staying more in touch with Him lately...and im quite aware of His unfailing strength....but maybe im supose to be tired and  hurting for a reason... :/

~Lo out

My Paper Heart

I tried to go to church today, but I didn't last very long. I made it through a kids choir special...and to be honest that was kinda hard. I could feel this lump in the back of my throat and as soon as they annouced 5mins for meet and greet time I left unknowingly to the others. I took a longer way home to drive past her...she had really pretty flowers on her grave :)  I dont understand how i could feel so bummed when i didnt have that good of a connection with her like bunny/momma did....maybe i did and im just surprised because im not an "infant" person.  I had fun the last 2 nights playin with eli :) that kid is the worlds most adorable boy...he should be in a commercial or somethin...and im not just saying that cuz he is family....if you know my family....be honest you would agree too ;)   I'm really thankful God put him in my life...it feels good to be wanted by a man....even if he is 21yrs younger than me...lol.   I guess my hope now is that i can focus on getting back into my usual role as an associate for a super girly store....i do miss my co-workers and mangers.....i guess i just dont miss those customers that make me feel like a failure...cuz i dont want to hear any of that negativity right now....

aw pandora...how you understand me :)

All American Rejects: "Paper Heart"

my all time favorite song by my #1 band....

~Lo out

My own God

I'm pretty much ready for the family drama to come to a hault. I swear every moment its a new thing and ugh...everyone just needs to chill! Enough has been going on this last week....I would have to say that though im not as stressed or frustrated as most people in the mcneely household are....its not very pleasent to see everyone not as ok as i am...if that makes sense? 

Mom asked me what my older sister should do as far as rasing her son (my nephew) when it comes to a spiritual enviroment...well i never had the chance to actually answer seeing how..surprise surprise another "disturbance in the force" occurd.....but this is what i would have said....

She first needs to know that church isnt something you just go to on sunday mornings....church is the community that eventually becomes your second family if you allow.  And that in order to find that "second family" your going to have to be patient and also trust...i could not however give her a suggestion for churches because i myself am still struggling with being planted in a church myself.....i swear trying to find a church in your 20's is rediculously hard!   The traditional church seems too much above a 20 something's head...and the church perfect for a 20 something.....well is only good while in your 20's.....then eventually your too old for it and you wind up in the same problem....churchless


Ok so this post seems to be not flowing in the direction i intended it to go....but then again...im being oddly  helped by my own reflections and it doesnt hurt when you have a friend in the background playing guitar :)

~Lo out

My joyous song

Its only been a week since Caroline died...crazy huh?  It just completely blows my mind...uh just so...im not confused... i understand what happend i guess its more like....dude what the mess?? like when someone steals ur chocolate pudding while ur eating it...sure im getting better, and God totally knows what He is doing and He isnt nor is any one to blame for this tragedy....but it would be cool if she didnt die in the first place ya knw?  The one amazing thing i have seen from this is community.  Seeing love being given when we werent expecting it :) Things will be better...its just going to have to take time.

"He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ"
1Corinthians 1:8

~Lo out

My little teacher

Kids are irritating, annoying, loud, needy, tiring, frustrating, and constantly on the prowl to discover new ways to drive their family members to the brink of insainty.  The idea of making a creature of my own is not something I forsee anytime soon.....so I have watched and learned how to interact from faraway......

but maybe.....the distance is keeping me from truly grasping the lesson these little ones have to teach....

"I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heavem." ~Matthew 18:3

Of all people who loved kids....the fact that Jesus finds them far more important than ANY adult on the planet and way for worthy of heaven than the Pope or Billy Graham....well...dang...

I guess there is more to a kid being cool than those hilarious youtube videos of them doped up on morphine, or explaining the entire story of star wars..

They will believe ANYTHING you tell them without doubt....lol like this one time my sister and i played a prank on my lil brother, we told him their were ghost in the house and thats why we had to move out...so i got under the bathroom counter and made the drawers go in and out while making a ghastly sound...hahah he ran and screamed!! soo great .....

which looking back...yeah it was funny but i feel kinda bad that I took that belief and ran with it....thankfully he wasnt tooo traumatized from that expeirance...he is a somewhat functioning adult(ish) :P

Anyway that being said......that childlike beilef is what Christ wants us as Christians to also have. And let me tell you....adults have NOTHING under total control...there is always one thing missing or going wrong no matter how hard we try or where we are in life. 

Kids have no worries, no inhabitions, no fears keeping them from truly living life. 


So even tho kids may usually cause us old fuddy duddies to pull our hair out......they got it right.

As scary as this might sound...i think im going to suite up and learn from kids up close and personal with them....uh....ok....how bout start with one....yeah.....one.....that might be a safer idea...lol jk

~Lo out