My quick second

I dunno why you do this to me God, but at least i can say beacause of it I certainly know without a doubt you are real.  You stress me out to NOOOOO end, You make me cry, You make me soo angry, You cause me to question myself over and over again!!!! You are sooo annoying!!.....and yet I love you and I can't help but to love you. The probably the most amazing thing You have taught me.  That love isnt some kissy face, hands glued together, romantic word vomit action...its more like being so hurt, irritated, angry, stressed to try and become that better verison of me...well at least thats how i view love.  My parents and the friends who care about me the most are the ones who drive me the most to the brink of insainity....because they know i dont need a love tap, i need a love shove.  although oh muh gosh i wish i didnt work like that. So point to this rambling well even tho im still jobless...at least im no longer behind on my student loan payments...in fact i dont owe anything till may *wipes sweat of forhead* But thats only one stress lightened....i still have to find a job that i love and will give me a purpose that also happens to be fulltime....or i find a job that gives me some purpose is partime and i go back to school for lord knows what...  So for a quick second i can breath......and she's off


~Lo out

My unknown path

I hate that I'm back to where I was a year ago. Scared of getting a new job, anxious about money, and now even more so scared that I'll be waiting even longer for my passion of being the worlds greatest wife/mom to happen.  I'm empty handed with no mental tools to get me where I need to go.  Ugh following God during times unknown are the scariest and toughest things true believing Christians have to face many times in their life.  I'm seriously doubting and worrying hardcore right now. I hate feeling helpless.  

~Lo out

My screwed up quote

This week for some reason has just been a hard one emotionally. Grief has decided to come knocking back on my door and hasnt left me alone. Sure I'll shoo it away for a time being and it will leave...but it just comes right back. Losing my job as a nanny to my nephew (which is official now) just makes it worse. My nephew brings me so much joy and knowing that as little as i got paid it was enough to keep my parents at ease with "my finances".  Now i have to go back to this stupid job hunting which is stressfull as it is unless God gives both my older sister and i a break and presents us with jobs again....speaking of which i put in an application at a place i worked like 1 year ago...odds of getting that job....well its seriously would be God if I got it again because sadly i left on one of the worsts notes ever...

I'm just super scared right now. Sure I have hope that God has plans for me...that doesnt make it less scary and stressfull. To understand that the only thing ahead of me is unknown is one of those mixed feeling kinda things. Right now I'm terrified because I feel helpless and i wish i knew what was ahead of me so i would have some comfort. Its ironic that this week's discipline is fellowship....because even though i have always craved being around people...i now crave nothing more then to stay away from everyone.  Im such a mess its not even funny. I dont honestly see how my presence could benifit anothers.  Who knew the one discipline that should be the easiest would turn out to be the most challenging. I just wish i could figure out what to do/ say when someone is trying to cheer me up because being alone isnt really that helpfull.

"In the end, the most important thing to accept is that no matter how alone you feel, how painful it may be, with the help of those around you, you'll get through this too." ~JD [scrubs] "My Screw Up"


~Lo out

My favorite holiday[in march]

Happy St. Patricks Day

My background check

I had a pretty fun day today. Although i have to say...its weird that i had more fun with just myself then being with my old church friends....mostly because even after all this time i still have no clue how to involve myself in coversations. Its so frustrating feeling like im invisible. then at the same time im seeing it as a humble thing as well. soo many times i did stupid stuff or i said stupid things just to get noticed and i would only be temporarily deserted by my friends. learning the life  lesson of holding my tounge has been a long and painfully irritating task...but im glad i have it down...to regain people's trust feels so good and worth it! thinking back about how long it took to have my friends be pleased with me....is a helpful reminder that its ok to sit in the background and wait to be called upon.....because eventually...








they will :)



~Lo out

My option so far

Random day off...again so instead of lying on the couch passing out the sound of mtvU music i decided to go out and see if going back to college is what my next big life move should be....eh now im unsure. It was just so overwhelming and the hoops lazy people too busy gossiping, eating mcdonalds, along with the clouds of smoke produced by black&milds *winces* well.....im not exactly feeling encouraged...then again im not putting my foot down either...idk im just sooo uh so unsure about what to do! if i dont go back then i best be finding an amazing job so i can FINALLY move out of my house! i just see it has me struggling to only dig a hole instead of a bridge to success. Thus where the whole cliche words of wisdom from the "Good ole book" come in and...tho i feel better....i just wish the bible was more like Tom Riddle's diary where God would be like"hey Lo the next thing i want you to do is such an such!" regardless if it was picking up crap....at least i would for certain know thats what God had instored for me in life at that moment....and i would be more than ok with that! On the bright side at least talking to my loan people assured me that IF i decided to go back to school it wouldnt really be that hard to do....So at most i am relieved that i have a door open for me.....even tho im not soooooo crazy about it.

Ok like i promised here is a pic of my peice i have been working on....btws this is just a hobby of mine and i do this to help release emotions....which it does in fact help :)

~Lo out

My time away

workin on a peice...no worries there will be an image soon

~Lo out

My darkroom

I find comfort in my dark family room when it's late at night, hot raman noodles, the *exhale* and mentally saying "ok so this is how it is and I've just got to deal and move on.". I wouldn't say I'm worried about my future now, tho I do feel so blank. no matter what I may desire one second....a second later I'm just like....eh maybe not...strange as it seems I also find comfort in uncertainty because it's proof I'm not ok with staying the same.  I do feel dumb that I'm trying to idk if "copy" is the right word, but I guess you could say I do try and use others close to me as fashion icons.....but I'm sucking horribly! ...I'm 22 almost 23 and I still dress like im in highschool...lil punky girl along with a mix of hipsterness.....yeah...ouch yeah I just want to be me...but style wise I don't have one that says hey this is Lo a hot, sassy, confident, and yet mature and moral adult...how would that look?  There is only so much you can do with a curvy 5'3 frame...*sigh* 

I have no idea what I'm doing....






.....but at least I'm trying 


~Lo out