It was a close call, but I manage to make it through a boring night with the help of dorritos and House Bunny. Any movie involving Tyson Ritter is a good movie! *giggles* He is so cute! Not to mention he is a great lyricist in my opinion! Perfect timing "Move Along" playing on my pandora station! That song completely blows my mind with how well they relate to people.
Alright enough of my obsession with Tyson....
Today's events included:
~waking up at 2:30pm
~Sweeping the steps
~heating up the rest of my totmato soup and making a grilled cheese sandwich
~making my nephew laugh
~watching superbad, disturbia, house bunny(clearly!)
~awkard facebook chatting (I tried so hard..maybe too hard?)
~pandora[ing]
~and this blog post.
~texting
hmm thinking back to the whole facebook awkward chat...why am I still struggling with socializing with people? My friends tell my I am doing fine and yet I do not feel "fine". I have no confidence in actually holding a stimulating conversation with anyone. Heck I feel like a brick wall would tell me to go away! Ok so maybe I am being a tad over dramatic...Point is why is it I have such high confidence in cooking (yeah I'm that good) and yet none what so ever when it comes to simply saying "hi" to a stranger!
Well what is it that makes me feel socially awkward?
I never really thought about it? I just assume people think I am weird and annoying like what I have been told. I never really have anything of interest to say since I don't really do anything . Anytime I try something new like college, a job, beauty school, something small will start to bother me about it and won't go away. That's when the pressure builds up and I get panic attacks. . Actually now thinking about it..that's the same way I am with people. I either feel I am not good enough to talk to them or they do something that bothers me and my head can keep ignoring it.
What am I thinking! honestly! Well not much I can do but to try and work with my response so I can change my way of thinking. Wow! I serisouly need to give myself a break! Ha ok my friends were right I am to hard on myself. Ya know what!?! I starting to see that half of my problem is that I need to loosen up! I mean that would make me less stressed when I'm around people!
How does one loosen up?
~Lo out
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
My fourteen inch day
Hmm what to talk about??? Nothing really exciting went on today all thanks to the 14in(and counting) of snow being dumped all over Richmond, and the fact that none of my friends could come to my house and play *sad face* Then again I wasn't about to leave my house either do to the lack of warm clean clothes...
Now it's not like I actually did nothing...I mean I did try my hand at making cookies (which really isn't a challenge) after reading status after status of people baking cookies. Mine turned out (as always) great, and then was asked to join a game of monopoly. After about an hour of being suffocated by my dad's *clears throat* uh unpleasent aftermath of microwavable egg rolls I lost. BUT! Not because febreze wasn't working, just I was up against a jew(brother-in-law) and he sucked me dry of my finances. Never play monopoly with jews if you want to win!
Um what else did I do? Oh I caught some of season 3 and season 7 of [scrubs] on comedy central, watched office space, parenthood, and superbad...and then made tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich.
You know despite the fact that nothing "exciting" happend today...at least I didn't dwell on anything today*smile*. Well well well! Look at me go! I knew after some point in time I would see some progress! The fact I went through a whole day begging someone to talk to me or hangout with me well I am very proud of myself! *pats self on back*
I do feel a little sad that I don't have anything of real amusment to talk about so I am leaving yall with a few jokes.
Q)How many Richmonders does it take to screw in a lightbulb???
A)5! One to screw it in and four to complain about how difficult it was
Q)What did the lightbulb say to the lamp?
A)Watts up!
Q)What are the most attractive animals on a farm??
A)Brown chicken Brown cow!..... (get it....bow chicka bow wow)
Alright so I'm not so sure about that last joke but hey don't I at least get brownie points for trying????
~Lo out
Now it's not like I actually did nothing...I mean I did try my hand at making cookies (which really isn't a challenge) after reading status after status of people baking cookies. Mine turned out (as always) great, and then was asked to join a game of monopoly. After about an hour of being suffocated by my dad's *clears throat* uh unpleasent aftermath of microwavable egg rolls I lost. BUT! Not because febreze wasn't working, just I was up against a jew(brother-in-law) and he sucked me dry of my finances. Never play monopoly with jews if you want to win!
Um what else did I do? Oh I caught some of season 3 and season 7 of [scrubs] on comedy central, watched office space, parenthood, and superbad...and then made tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich.
You know despite the fact that nothing "exciting" happend today...at least I didn't dwell on anything today*smile*. Well well well! Look at me go! I knew after some point in time I would see some progress! The fact I went through a whole day begging someone to talk to me or hangout with me well I am very proud of myself! *pats self on back*
I do feel a little sad that I don't have anything of real amusment to talk about so I am leaving yall with a few jokes.
Q)How many Richmonders does it take to screw in a lightbulb???
A)5! One to screw it in and four to complain about how difficult it was
Q)What did the lightbulb say to the lamp?
A)Watts up!
Q)What are the most attractive animals on a farm??
A)Brown chicken Brown cow!..... (get it....bow chicka bow wow)
Alright so I'm not so sure about that last joke but hey don't I at least get brownie points for trying????
~Lo out
Friday, January 29, 2010
My Vexatious Vixens
I just want to punch every girl in the face who says they look ugly untill they actually do look ugly! Then they will have something to complain about! Alright so that may be a smidge unnecessary, but how else am I suppose to feel when my girls friends are saying how fat they are when in fact they can still pull off a bikini and turn heads (in a good sense).....Good? Wait what is good about wanting to turn heads? I mean if your proffession involves coital acts, then yes turning heads is a good thing.
The main reason I hate when girls (especially my friends) go off on their "ugly rants" well it hurts me. I see it as "Wow, and I'm over 200 lbs does that mean they think I'm disgusting?" *rolls eyes* Don't get me wrong I mean I am trying to not be sucked into the stupidity, but it's hard not to when it's all around me! This may sound strang but I actually feel guilty about working out today! I simply did it because I was being just like them freaking out about how squishy I am! Yeah I actually want to go shove a bunch of cookies to make up for whatever ounce of squishyness lost from the workout! hahah eh but then I would have to go downstairs raise my arms lift things in order to get to them and well...thats practically a weeks worth of workout sessions!
Talk about a lose lose situations. *frown* So wait! Why am I disgusted with my body?
Ok so yeah I have love handles.... which makes me think of a guy resting his hands on them while he is kissing me.
Yeah I have a squishy pillow for a tummy.....which will keep Mr. Right's head comfortable while we have a conversation.
And well I have actually never had a bad thought about my *clears throat* upper region..
Too detailed? Eh no because This puts things into perspective for me! I am only disgusted with myself because I lost focus and security in myself through hearing other's insecurity. No I am pretty and I don't want to hear it from anyone but me. It annoys the crap out of some people when they tells me "Lo you're so pretty!" and I respond quickly with a "I know!" Well I do know! God doesn't make bad things! He makes only good! Satan doesn't have the power to make anything except lies he seems to have a sick pleasure everytime he plants them in our heads.
I know the only reason I am not with a guy is not by my outside apperance, but the fact that I have a long way to go mentally, emotionally, and most importantly spiritually. At least the good news is I am getting there!
Is it bad I still want to punch every girl in the face for thinking she is ugly?
I'm thinking that's NOT what Jesus would do.......
~Lo out
The main reason I hate when girls (especially my friends) go off on their "ugly rants" well it hurts me. I see it as "Wow, and I'm over 200 lbs does that mean they think I'm disgusting?" *rolls eyes* Don't get me wrong I mean I am trying to not be sucked into the stupidity, but it's hard not to when it's all around me! This may sound strang but I actually feel guilty about working out today! I simply did it because I was being just like them freaking out about how squishy I am! Yeah I actually want to go shove a bunch of cookies to make up for whatever ounce of squishyness lost from the workout! hahah eh but then I would have to go downstairs raise my arms lift things in order to get to them and well...thats practically a weeks worth of workout sessions!
Talk about a lose lose situations. *frown* So wait! Why am I disgusted with my body?
Ok so yeah I have love handles.... which makes me think of a guy resting his hands on them while he is kissing me.
Yeah I have a squishy pillow for a tummy.....which will keep Mr. Right's head comfortable while we have a conversation.
And well I have actually never had a bad thought about my *clears throat* upper region..
Too detailed? Eh no because This puts things into perspective for me! I am only disgusted with myself because I lost focus and security in myself through hearing other's insecurity. No I am pretty and I don't want to hear it from anyone but me. It annoys the crap out of some people when they tells me "Lo you're so pretty!" and I respond quickly with a "I know!" Well I do know! God doesn't make bad things! He makes only good! Satan doesn't have the power to make anything except lies he seems to have a sick pleasure everytime he plants them in our heads.
I know the only reason I am not with a guy is not by my outside apperance, but the fact that I have a long way to go mentally, emotionally, and most importantly spiritually. At least the good news is I am getting there!
Is it bad I still want to punch every girl in the face for thinking she is ugly?
I'm thinking that's NOT what Jesus would do.......
~Lo out
My peeps on the fritz
Ugh I just don't know what to do with my girl friends! Being so self-centered for so long it never occured to me how frustrating and stressfull I was to my friends. *smacks palm to forehead* I mean this must be progress for me if my girl friends are opening up to me and allowing their problems to spill out. BUT THEN WHAT DO I DO! I mean I suck at taking care of my issues! Not to mention I am a freaking honest person.
I do completely enjoy helping people with anything that doesn't involve me saying words. Driving...well ok not the best example but those skills are better than my talking! *rolls eyes* Anyway when girls start to talk about how they hate their squishy this, small that, big this, sdjfhgqwoireghg['wr REALLY SHUT UP!!!!
Nothing ANYONE says is going to make you feel better about yourself so seriously STOP TALKING!!!
and yes I'm aware I have done this, but wow after the last couple days hearing this from a few different girls I'm tired and even I'm starting to doubt myself! I do NOT want to be some statistic of how insecure girls are.
So ok I can only think of two ways I can go about dealing with this crap.
1.) do something to piss all the girls off so they never talk to me again
2.) jump off a cliff and start all over again the next time( coyote style)
Alright alright seriously these are the only two options I can think of:
1.)Say what I call a pathetic excuse of a prayer to God and hope I won't doubt He will help me
2.)Explain to them I cannot handle their issues.
*Sigh*
Looks like option one is the right one. God as cliche as this sounds is the only one who seems to keep me out of trouble.
Having friends is so much more difficult than I thought...
~Lo out
I do completely enjoy helping people with anything that doesn't involve me saying words. Driving...well ok not the best example but those skills are better than my talking! *rolls eyes* Anyway when girls start to talk about how they hate their squishy this, small that, big this, sdjfhgqwoireghg['wr REALLY SHUT UP!!!!
Nothing ANYONE says is going to make you feel better about yourself so seriously STOP TALKING!!!
and yes I'm aware I have done this, but wow after the last couple days hearing this from a few different girls I'm tired and even I'm starting to doubt myself! I do NOT want to be some statistic of how insecure girls are.
So ok I can only think of two ways I can go about dealing with this crap.
1.) do something to piss all the girls off so they never talk to me again
2.) jump off a cliff and start all over again the next time( coyote style)
Alright alright seriously these are the only two options I can think of:
1.)Say what I call a pathetic excuse of a prayer to God and hope I won't doubt He will help me
2.)Explain to them I cannot handle their issues.
*Sigh*
Looks like option one is the right one. God as cliche as this sounds is the only one who seems to keep me out of trouble.
Having friends is so much more difficult than I thought...
~Lo out
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
My lips, by Yours, my sin is purged
"Well, I've got a will but I want yours I've got a growing heap of crosses and burdens I've simply lost heart to shoulder Simply no strength to lift I've always been a man in need cause I keep stepping in and out of the shadow Caught by the drift and pitch of whatever it is That keeps me coming back
I want out"
-As Cities Burn
I do.
I really do want out of this pathetic excuse I call a life, but saying "I want out" and following through are two completely different things I have come to learn. Time and time again I cry out begging God "please just make all this stop and give me something better!" Then I go and turn my back on Him, and repeat the plea.
Then I go and turn my back on Him AGAIN, and repeat the plea. Then I go and....I think you get the picture.
Many times I have wondered if my process of salvation was legit. I mean that would make sense to believe maybe the reason I can't keep on the straight and narrow, maintain a sense of peace/joy, focus on Jesus is beacause I didn't accept Him properly?
Salavation-(n):the act of saving or protecting from harm, risk, loss, destruction
So according to this deffinition this is a Noun meaning person place or thing...(I know you know humor me)
and sense I am talking about accepting Jesus then this reffers to Jesus as being the person to save us.
Sanctification-(v):To make productive of holiness or spiritual blessing
Well there is my problem....to make PRODUCTIVE of holiness or spiritual blessing. Hmmm I'm going to go out on a limb and say, maybe that means I'm suppose to actually constantly put forth effort in to this relationship with Christ I asked for, instead of expecting Him to do all the work.
So if I ever want to (which I do) stop speeding and swerving down the road known as life then I HAVE TO GOT TO continually keep my hands gripped at the wheel awake, alert, and focused every second
"Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1Peter 5:8
~Lo out
I want out"
-As Cities Burn
I do.
I really do want out of this pathetic excuse I call a life, but saying "I want out" and following through are two completely different things I have come to learn. Time and time again I cry out begging God "please just make all this stop and give me something better!" Then I go and turn my back on Him, and repeat the plea.
Then I go and turn my back on Him AGAIN, and repeat the plea. Then I go and....I think you get the picture.
Many times I have wondered if my process of salvation was legit. I mean that would make sense to believe maybe the reason I can't keep on the straight and narrow, maintain a sense of peace/joy, focus on Jesus is beacause I didn't accept Him properly?
Salavation-(n):the act of saving or protecting from harm, risk, loss, destruction
So according to this deffinition this is a Noun meaning person place or thing...(I know you know humor me)
and sense I am talking about accepting Jesus then this reffers to Jesus as being the person to save us.
Sanctification-(v):To make productive of holiness or spiritual blessing
Well there is my problem....to make PRODUCTIVE of holiness or spiritual blessing. Hmmm I'm going to go out on a limb and say, maybe that means I'm suppose to actually constantly put forth effort in to this relationship with Christ I asked for, instead of expecting Him to do all the work.
So if I ever want to (which I do) stop speeding and swerving down the road known as life then I HAVE TO GOT TO continually keep my hands gripped at the wheel awake, alert, and focused every second
"Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1Peter 5:8
~Lo out
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
My evoL thoughts
OIDSHfSOEHGioghihgriwgiorh'w[ighgriwHFwiefhWOIEGH
yup thats how I feel...
Why? because I'm tired of "feeling unloved" I know I'm loved but at the same time I feel like I am slipping back to that dark place because....
A)I don't love myself
B)have anger towards a lot of people past and present
C)I can't seem to constantly depend on God
D) choices A,B&C make it hard t
Oh what to do what to do?
What do I do?
Ya know what.....This is what I'm going to do....I'm going to go downstairs watch a Dvd and stop feeling sorry for myself... and then I'm gonna go to bed and sleep this off and wake up feeling better because my bed is awsome since I got new pillows...then when I wake up (prolly around 2pm) im gonna go and post tell ya how how my day went....*crosses fingers*
~Lo out
yup thats how I feel...
Why? because I'm tired of "feeling unloved" I know I'm loved but at the same time I feel like I am slipping back to that dark place because....
A)I don't love myself
B)have anger towards a lot of people past and present
C)I can't seem to constantly depend on God
D) choices A,B&C make it hard t
Oh what to do what to do?
What do I do?
Ya know what.....This is what I'm going to do....I'm going to go downstairs watch a Dvd and stop feeling sorry for myself... and then I'm gonna go to bed and sleep this off and wake up feeling better because my bed is awsome since I got new pillows...then when I wake up (prolly around 2pm) im gonna go and post tell ya how how my day went....*crosses fingers*
~Lo out
My Praise(s)
My therapist told me to find at least ONE thing to praise God for...
I was wrong He hasn't forgotten about me
~Lo out
Monday, January 25, 2010
My Mistake[s]
Valentines day is approaching and I'm dreading it. I mentioned in a post from a few days ago I never had any real luck in the boyfriend department. It's hard for me to accept the fact that maybe I'm not girlfriend material, but maybe it's true???
I really hope not. I have always dreamed of a guy with absolutely everything I could ever want (maybe more) smile at me and say those 5 amazing words to me, "will you be my girlfriend?" I feel that this is not normal for a person to go through all of their teenage years without being in at least one relationship....
Then again I never have considered myself normal, but a "freak of nature". I gave that tittle to myself in my junior year of highschool due to my lack of "girly" qualities about me. pink, sparkles, cute, lacey, adorable were not ever in my vocabulary nor in my wardrobe. In all honesty I locked myself behind those walls because I had no clue how to be a girl and just never bothered to ask. I figured if I asked then I would become everything my older sister and those evil evil...middle school girls were. Then again as much as I longed to be just one of the girls, apart of my didn't really think about it either since I was to busy feeling sorry for myself and wasting my time trying to gain attention from people who I already had it from.
UGH!!! As much as I am really enjoying this whole blogging hobby of mine, it's really starting to make me slightly frustrated with myself and how I was in the past....I WASTED SOOOO MUCH FREAKING TIME!!! Well not like I can get it back! So here's what I can do though, I can take what I now know and apply it to my life as it is happening now.
Ok so recap on what I have learned so far from a few mistakes:
~don't make every problem about me
~stop feeling sorry for myself
~accept that I am in fact a girl and work with what I got
~girls are dumb but I don't have to be
~don't obsess about wanting to hangout all the time
~having a hobby that involves only myself is not so bad
~when something is done let it be done
~rejection happens move on
~no one can earn joy but they can have it if they are willing to look for it
~parents don't always know what is best
~pizza is a dish actually served best cold unlike revenge
~gossip gets you in to trouble
~I'm attractive so stop thinking I'm not!
~I may be a beauty school drop out but at least I learned how to cut my bangs
~being considered a "bitch" and a drama queen is a BAD THING!
~cutting someone off and then giving them the finger may be funny but not nice (especially if you know them)
~Jesus still performs miracles
~saying "can you help me understand what your discussing" is so much better than sitting in silence
~Jesus can and will help me through anything, but He also allowed for medication to keep me sain
~the guy(s) I thought God had for me to date turned out to the most amazing brothers
~I totally know how to say and mean the word NO!
~I already have my friends attention I don't have to keep trying
~people respond so much better to positive responses
~ALWAYS keep it real!
~Do not put people on pedestals
~never ever follow the crowd be your own person
~kissing is never what people make it to be
~insecurities only make you do stupid things
~as hard as it to care about someone else, it is so rewarding when they smile because you do care
~a week without a text or call is worth it when I am asked to hangout even if for only a few minuets
~Jesus really is the way, the truth, and life...I just had to figure it out for myself
So what does recognizing my mistakes have to do with the fact that I hate valentines day? Will come to think about it I really don't hate valentines day. I just am bummed at the fact that I am still the only person to not have an ex or a still existing significant other. But seeing what mistakes I have learned does explain to me that there's a lot I messed up with that may....strike that..HAS hindered my ability to attract guys.
Now what? Well looks like my yellow break road is getting more interesting as I progress down it because another thing I am hoping the wizard of oz grants me is guy.
I wonder if the tin man is still available?
~Lo out
I really hope not. I have always dreamed of a guy with absolutely everything I could ever want (maybe more) smile at me and say those 5 amazing words to me, "will you be my girlfriend?" I feel that this is not normal for a person to go through all of their teenage years without being in at least one relationship....
Then again I never have considered myself normal, but a "freak of nature". I gave that tittle to myself in my junior year of highschool due to my lack of "girly" qualities about me. pink, sparkles, cute, lacey, adorable were not ever in my vocabulary nor in my wardrobe. In all honesty I locked myself behind those walls because I had no clue how to be a girl and just never bothered to ask. I figured if I asked then I would become everything my older sister and those evil evil...middle school girls were. Then again as much as I longed to be just one of the girls, apart of my didn't really think about it either since I was to busy feeling sorry for myself and wasting my time trying to gain attention from people who I already had it from.
UGH!!! As much as I am really enjoying this whole blogging hobby of mine, it's really starting to make me slightly frustrated with myself and how I was in the past....I WASTED SOOOO MUCH FREAKING TIME!!! Well not like I can get it back! So here's what I can do though, I can take what I now know and apply it to my life as it is happening now.
Ok so recap on what I have learned so far from a few mistakes:
~don't make every problem about me
~stop feeling sorry for myself
~accept that I am in fact a girl and work with what I got
~girls are dumb but I don't have to be
~don't obsess about wanting to hangout all the time
~having a hobby that involves only myself is not so bad
~when something is done let it be done
~rejection happens move on
~no one can earn joy but they can have it if they are willing to look for it
~parents don't always know what is best
~pizza is a dish actually served best cold unlike revenge
~gossip gets you in to trouble
~I'm attractive so stop thinking I'm not!
~I may be a beauty school drop out but at least I learned how to cut my bangs
~being considered a "bitch" and a drama queen is a BAD THING!
~cutting someone off and then giving them the finger may be funny but not nice (especially if you know them)
~Jesus still performs miracles
~saying "can you help me understand what your discussing" is so much better than sitting in silence
~Jesus can and will help me through anything, but He also allowed for medication to keep me sain
~the guy(s) I thought God had for me to date turned out to the most amazing brothers
~I totally know how to say and mean the word NO!
~I already have my friends attention I don't have to keep trying
~people respond so much better to positive responses
~ALWAYS keep it real!
~Do not put people on pedestals
~never ever follow the crowd be your own person
~kissing is never what people make it to be
~insecurities only make you do stupid things
~as hard as it to care about someone else, it is so rewarding when they smile because you do care
~a week without a text or call is worth it when I am asked to hangout even if for only a few minuets
~Jesus really is the way, the truth, and life...I just had to figure it out for myself
So what does recognizing my mistakes have to do with the fact that I hate valentines day? Will come to think about it I really don't hate valentines day. I just am bummed at the fact that I am still the only person to not have an ex or a still existing significant other. But seeing what mistakes I have learned does explain to me that there's a lot I messed up with that may....strike that..HAS hindered my ability to attract guys.
Now what? Well looks like my yellow break road is getting more interesting as I progress down it because another thing I am hoping the wizard of oz grants me is guy.
I wonder if the tin man is still available?
~Lo out
Sunday, January 24, 2010
My River of Hope
If there is ever a time to blast a song on a car stereo locate this song and do it!
That's what my girl JP and I did while on our way to sneak up on some friends of ours she hadn't seen in awhile. I haven't seen this kid in what honestly seems like forever! We had so much fun tonight just being goofy, catching up, and got the chance to give a homeless guy a lunchable (the big one with the drink and dessert). Getting to hangout with her even after being gone a couple months was pretty much almost the same except better because this time she wore the most beautiful smile on her face.
See she has been away getting help from her past. The only thing that sets her and I apart is that she couldn't verabilze what happend to her like I did; however, she has now learned how to grow and put the past behind her. I still haven't. I do agree with everyone in the fact that what she has gone through was a harsher version of what I had been through, but she sees us as equals and to me that means a lot.
I'm not saying that what I went through was the most tragic series of events compared to anyone else. I guess just the only one who talked about it (and kept talking) and everyone else never talked about theres. In fact I still wonder if I know all of the stories behind my friend's past...
You know untill tonight I hated the fact that all I did was openly discuss my negativity towards life, my lack of self-respect, and even the awful things I did to get through a day. But tonight, my girl showed me how dangerous it was for her to keep all of I guess you could call "demons" bottled up inside of her.
Do a lot of my friends wish I had/would shut-up and stop being a negative nancy and find good things out of my life...I'm going to have to say probably a "HECK YES PLEASE STOP MY EARS ARE BLEEDING!!!' hahaha or somewhere along those lines. But I'm glad I didn't bottle it in now because even though I still have a lot to overcome and learn at least I was directed to my now therapist who I can spill my guts out to instead of annoying the crap out of my friends. Though I probably still do, but not nearly as much, so I'm going to say that's progress!
The important thing is if you have a problem (it doesn't matter how big or small) please speak up and tell someone! So what if they ignore you keep trying because someone will listen! No one should have to roam the earth miserable. That's not what Christ desires for us. That being said, at least for those of us who truly believe in Christ ( I include myself) we have GOT to listen to those who are in trouble no matter what! If we are ever going to keep His light shining we have to make the effort to serve and comfort others in need!
Who knows, maybe one day your going to need someone to help you!
(I love you girl and you better never forget it!)
~Lo out
Friday, January 22, 2010
My Life as Jesus
I fell head over heels for this new show called "My Life as Liz". It's about this girl named Liz who shares with the rest of the world her life as a senior in highschool. It supposedly a "reality" show but im not so sure how real it is, BUT it is good (especially sense they made a [scrubs] referance!!!!!) One thing the show talks about is how she has issues with the popular girls.
Please go and google "my life as liz" and find where it will give u a site to watch the full episodes
then when u have watched the at least the first one then come and finish the rest of this post...if you still want to!....Please want to!!!
BUT if you have already seen the show then keep reading!
Ok where was I oh yes, so I was talking to my one of my lovely partners in crime callie and told her about the show which she then asked to see it. Upon veiwing she was impressed and asked to see the second one.
So this relating to my blog well, shortly after I became hurt and jelous that she invited someone other than me to go with her to get her sleeve (tattoo work) done. As usual when I become upset I began putting myself down and saying how I wish I still didn't feel like an outcast and how as dumb as it sounds want to become popular with everyone. She told me even the popular girls in the show also struggled with wanting to be liked.
I never really ever thought about how the "other half" truly lived. If God made us all the same then why does it seem to have an unfair disadvantage? Simple actually because EVERYONE has at last one or two things that causes them to feel "life isn't fair". The only differance between me and pretty much most of the world is I have a really hard time the inabilty to let stuff go. This is where I'm hoping some extra pyschiatric help will show me whats. As far as my dream to become "popular" well, the way that I see it now is this. Jesus was extreamly popular! I mean the guy had a following of freaking thousandsof people. He didn't even try to be popular He just was because well He is a really nice guy (who happend to be the Son of God with the ability to raise the dead, cure incurable illnesses,do miracles and have an insane amount of compassion for everyone regardless of race,sex,age, place in society) but yeah He just became popular simply for being Him.
So here is what I'm thinking, what if I just stop trying and start being all those things that Jesus was and who knows maybe I will have more people wanting to be around me....then again also like Jesus I could end up with a bunch of people who could want me dead on a cross. Thinking on this new realization maybe instead of wanting to be popular is a waste, but being like Jesus well seeing how He only helps and loves on people and also gets to chill up in heaven (aka the most freaking unexplainably coolest place to be!) yeah I think I'll stick with following Jesus instead of being "popular" :)
~Lo out
Please go and google "my life as liz" and find where it will give u a site to watch the full episodes
then when u have watched the at least the first one then come and finish the rest of this post...if you still want to!....Please want to!!!
BUT if you have already seen the show then keep reading!
Ok where was I oh yes, so I was talking to my one of my lovely partners in crime callie and told her about the show which she then asked to see it. Upon veiwing she was impressed and asked to see the second one.
So this relating to my blog well, shortly after I became hurt and jelous that she invited someone other than me to go with her to get her sleeve (tattoo work) done. As usual when I become upset I began putting myself down and saying how I wish I still didn't feel like an outcast and how as dumb as it sounds want to become popular with everyone. She told me even the popular girls in the show also struggled with wanting to be liked.
I never really ever thought about how the "other half" truly lived. If God made us all the same then why does it seem to have an unfair disadvantage? Simple actually because EVERYONE has at last one or two things that causes them to feel "life isn't fair". The only differance between me and pretty much most of the world is I have a really hard time the inabilty to let stuff go. This is where I'm hoping some extra pyschiatric help will show me whats. As far as my dream to become "popular" well, the way that I see it now is this. Jesus was extreamly popular! I mean the guy had a following of freaking thousandsof people. He didn't even try to be popular He just was because well He is a really nice guy (who happend to be the Son of God with the ability to raise the dead, cure incurable illnesses,do miracles and have an insane amount of compassion for everyone regardless of race,sex,age, place in society) but yeah He just became popular simply for being Him.
So here is what I'm thinking, what if I just stop trying and start being all those things that Jesus was and who knows maybe I will have more people wanting to be around me....then again also like Jesus I could end up with a bunch of people who could want me dead on a cross. Thinking on this new realization maybe instead of wanting to be popular is a waste, but being like Jesus well seeing how He only helps and loves on people and also gets to chill up in heaven (aka the most freaking unexplainably coolest place to be!) yeah I think I'll stick with following Jesus instead of being "popular" :)
~Lo out
Thursday, January 21, 2010
My Weakest Link
This completely sucks! I feel like crap and I cannot shake it off. Not only is my hair color not impressing me, but while I was heading to the register to pay for the hair dye a guy I use to go to with school past me by. We exchanged glances, and then quickly ran off laughing with his friends pretending that he did not just see me. I hate hate HATE it when guys give me one look and snicker off. Why can't I ever get the double look and smile. Yeah ok so I'm 5'2 and weigh 211. Sorry I'm not a copy of the typical male fantasy.......No actually I am not. What's wrong for wanting to fit in the plus size genre eh? I understand that people are attracted to different things on a person...but to go and be a jerk and make fun of someone is not nice. Yeah my older sister wasn't helpful in my life but really it was the years of the constant awful remarks and actions of my peers that still eat at me. I was a good kid. I wore hand-me-downs instead of designer clothes. I was also very naive and socially awkward. No one had any patients with me when it came to socializing and therefore I never learned how to interact with others naturally.
Now 21 and not in the least bit naive still feel socially awkward and I'm still the only one who doesnt have an ex-boyfriend. And I swear if anyone tells me thats a good thing......UGH I just want to punch their face!!!!
It hurts watching my friends go in and out of relationships. It hurts to try not to rain on their parade when they tell me about their crush, significant other, how their date went, how amazing it was when they shared a hug and a kiss, or worse hearing the words "I love you" pour out of their mouths to eachother. THIS IS TORTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to be told I love you, I want a guy to cuddle on the couch while watching a movie/[scrubs], I want to go and tell my friends about the amazing date I went on, I want expeirance a kiss from a guy who actually loves and is attracted to me!
I don't tell my friends this because I fear they won't to be around me. Then again hiding it is causing me more pain and bitter towards life. So why am I not speaking up? I never really thought of it. I suck at thinking before I speak. I suck at life....I need to not suck.....I need to stop beating myself up! It's my protection against rejection and negativity. When I know I am hard on myself I know when it's coming! When someone else hurts me I go into awfull mental break downs. I'm tired of being broken! I'm tired of breaking myself! I'M TIRED OF BEING WEAK!!!!!!!!!
Why is it that Jesus is the only one who can fix me and yet I still am just getting to know the guy?
~Lo out
Now 21 and not in the least bit naive still feel socially awkward and I'm still the only one who doesnt have an ex-boyfriend. And I swear if anyone tells me thats a good thing......UGH I just want to punch their face!!!!
It hurts watching my friends go in and out of relationships. It hurts to try not to rain on their parade when they tell me about their crush, significant other, how their date went, how amazing it was when they shared a hug and a kiss, or worse hearing the words "I love you" pour out of their mouths to eachother. THIS IS TORTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to be told I love you, I want a guy to cuddle on the couch while watching a movie/[scrubs], I want to go and tell my friends about the amazing date I went on, I want expeirance a kiss from a guy who actually loves and is attracted to me!
I don't tell my friends this because I fear they won't to be around me. Then again hiding it is causing me more pain and bitter towards life. So why am I not speaking up? I never really thought of it. I suck at thinking before I speak. I suck at life....I need to not suck.....I need to stop beating myself up! It's my protection against rejection and negativity. When I know I am hard on myself I know when it's coming! When someone else hurts me I go into awfull mental break downs. I'm tired of being broken! I'm tired of breaking myself! I'M TIRED OF BEING WEAK!!!!!!!!!
Why is it that Jesus is the only one who can fix me and yet I still am just getting to know the guy?
~Lo out
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
My Truth hurts
Never facebook stalk EVER! I typically follow that rule but everyone now and then I do get curious and do it...and then I end up regretting it, like right now.
Know how I said highschool was great and Senior year was like my glory moment, well guess well 3 years later and I realized how blind I was to everyone around me because I only spent it feeling sorry for myself from all the crap that I should have gone to counseling for. But nooooo I didn't want to go see a "shrink"! I wanted to be "just like everyone else" and handle my problems "just like everyone else". Which never happend because I just whined and bitched about them to anyone that would give me the time of day.
Hey want to know what I learned just now.....THEY EVENTALLY STOPPED LISTENING!! but nooooo I just kept going and going and the selfish word vomit just kept spewing. Now I'm 21 with barely hanging on to 2 of my friends from highschool by the sheer grace of God!
I know I have said "I'm going to change".
But it's now or never.
~Lo out
Know how I said highschool was great and Senior year was like my glory moment, well guess well 3 years later and I realized how blind I was to everyone around me because I only spent it feeling sorry for myself from all the crap that I should have gone to counseling for. But nooooo I didn't want to go see a "shrink"! I wanted to be "just like everyone else" and handle my problems "just like everyone else". Which never happend because I just whined and bitched about them to anyone that would give me the time of day.
Hey want to know what I learned just now.....THEY EVENTALLY STOPPED LISTENING!! but nooooo I just kept going and going and the selfish word vomit just kept spewing. Now I'm 21 with barely hanging on to 2 of my friends from highschool by the sheer grace of God!
I know I have said "I'm going to change".
But it's now or never.
~Lo out
My Special Place
This is where the magic happens ;)
Yup this is my favorite place in my whole house! And guess what it's in my room! Shocker!
Ok no not really but it still my favorite place. I litterally have spend hours here in front of my computer screen socializing, music searching, [scrubs] watching, and working on Dnow games last the couple of days.
I never thought I would find peace in a house full of crazies! Then again and I will say again it's because of Jesus......and xanax........and redbull, but mostly Jesus :)
Gosh I still don't feel like I quite know Him as well as everyone else does, but I'm trying! Reading Mark has been helpfull as to what kind of occupation Jesus did, but it doesn't quite tell me why He wanted to spend His time with annoying, gross, sick, terrifying, extreamly needy people. Or How He kept His sanity throughout His life! I want to be like Him, but I need to have some answers before I actually make an attempt.
~Lo out
Yup this is my favorite place in my whole house! And guess what it's in my room! Shocker!
Ok no not really but it still my favorite place. I litterally have spend hours here in front of my computer screen socializing, music searching, [scrubs] watching, and working on Dnow games last the couple of days.
I never thought I would find peace in a house full of crazies! Then again and I will say again it's because of Jesus......and xanax........and redbull, but mostly Jesus :)
Gosh I still don't feel like I quite know Him as well as everyone else does, but I'm trying! Reading Mark has been helpfull as to what kind of occupation Jesus did, but it doesn't quite tell me why He wanted to spend His time with annoying, gross, sick, terrifying, extreamly needy people. Or How He kept His sanity throughout His life! I want to be like Him, but I need to have some answers before I actually make an attempt.
~Lo out
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
My Blown Mind
Wow tonight was one of the most amazing nights I have allowed myself to have in awhile. Worship was just wow! I'm not a singer in anyway shape or form, but i threw out my lack of vocal skills out the window tonight. I haven't sang that loud and heart felt well I suppose ever. I know this is going to come out corny but I honestly felt a hint of the Holy Spirit there. Which for me great for someone who hasn't felt anything positive in awhile. Can I just say I want more worship like that?...well I do, and I want more worship like tonights I'm demanding it!...........*sweet quiet voice* please?
I also was randomly asked by this really nice girl from 1822 if I wanted to come over to her house and watch a movie with a bunch of other kids from the group. Now I'm so not one to go over to a stranger's house and hangout with well other strangers, but I mean if I'm going to learn how to work with my anxiety and depression I have GOT to take some steps. So I did! And I had a great time and met some really fun people.
Looking back on the way I have been constantly living of fear of poeple and how they "could" treat me is just stupid. Not everyone is a horrible, abusive, self-centered......not very nice word....kinda person ya knw. And to sit and allow the thought consume me well talk about a wasted portion of life.
I'm not in any way shape or form "cured" of my mental illnesses, but I am at least relizing that if I take even just the smallest of steps then well I'm closer to my goal for a better life.
Haha I just thought of something. One day in 7th grade I got sent to Principle Moore's office for standing on a toilett in the girls bathroom just to see if anyone was in there (which there was and she freaked) and he told me something I hope I will never forget. He said, "Lorissa, worrying is like a rocking chair, it keeps you busy but it doesn't get you anywhere." Now admittedly at the time I sat in the office t in my head begging for me not to get detention or suspended (which I didn't SCORE!) instead of taking the advice to heart and applying it. Gosh had I well....nah it still wouldn't really do much. I'm beyond "pearls of wisdom" to keep me from hyperventilating. Eh oh well I can at least pass on the advice to someone else.
I feel good and not feeling depressed or anxious about anything and that my dears is a freaking relief! Oh to not have any ickyness in me is like mind blowing! I don't know but maybe just maybe a dude name Jesus has something to do with this?? Yeah I met this guy name Jesus and He is like oh my gosh sooo smart and He like actually like loves me and is like totally always there for me!!! HAHAHA wow (I miss jamaican chris from headwaters) that was one of his ideas for trying to tell other girls about Jesus....I don't know maybe it works??? Point is I really do feel and believe that Jesus is beginning to stir within me. I still am in dire need for Him to just break my heart and take residency in it once again. Bradley Hathaway whom I believe is one of the greatest poets of my time once said,
"I'm not there yet, but I'm past the start".
~Lo out
I also was randomly asked by this really nice girl from 1822 if I wanted to come over to her house and watch a movie with a bunch of other kids from the group. Now I'm so not one to go over to a stranger's house and hangout with well other strangers, but I mean if I'm going to learn how to work with my anxiety and depression I have GOT to take some steps. So I did! And I had a great time and met some really fun people.
Looking back on the way I have been constantly living of fear of poeple and how they "could" treat me is just stupid. Not everyone is a horrible, abusive, self-centered......not very nice word....kinda person ya knw. And to sit and allow the thought consume me well talk about a wasted portion of life.
I'm not in any way shape or form "cured" of my mental illnesses, but I am at least relizing that if I take even just the smallest of steps then well I'm closer to my goal for a better life.
Haha I just thought of something. One day in 7th grade I got sent to Principle Moore's office for standing on a toilett in the girls bathroom just to see if anyone was in there (which there was and she freaked) and he told me something I hope I will never forget. He said, "Lorissa, worrying is like a rocking chair, it keeps you busy but it doesn't get you anywhere." Now admittedly at the time I sat in the office t in my head begging for me not to get detention or suspended (which I didn't SCORE!) instead of taking the advice to heart and applying it. Gosh had I well....nah it still wouldn't really do much. I'm beyond "pearls of wisdom" to keep me from hyperventilating. Eh oh well I can at least pass on the advice to someone else.
I feel good and not feeling depressed or anxious about anything and that my dears is a freaking relief! Oh to not have any ickyness in me is like mind blowing! I don't know but maybe just maybe a dude name Jesus has something to do with this?? Yeah I met this guy name Jesus and He is like oh my gosh sooo smart and He like actually like loves me and is like totally always there for me!!! HAHAHA wow (I miss jamaican chris from headwaters) that was one of his ideas for trying to tell other girls about Jesus....I don't know maybe it works??? Point is I really do feel and believe that Jesus is beginning to stir within me. I still am in dire need for Him to just break my heart and take residency in it once again. Bradley Hathaway whom I believe is one of the greatest poets of my time once said,
"I'm not there yet, but I'm past the start".
~Lo out
Monday, January 18, 2010
My Insightful Mark
I started reading in the book of Mark and I awkardly prayed to Jesus last night. The act of turning to Jesus honestly has NEVER been something I do. I'm your average luke warm christian. I do go to church and I will admit I'm a christian but eh other than that Jesus has been nothing but a fad i followed in highschool. Though I'm suddenly realizing had I started being as concerned with my spiritual life in middle school when i started youth group, I would NOT have the anxiety and depression I have now from the crap I allowed into my life.
Well I suppose now is better than never. . .
So the book of Mark is pretty much talking about Jesus' occupation as a litteral miracle worker who spreads a message of hope and insight to the masses. I'm still mentally stuck on chapter 4's "Parable of the Sower". The story pretty much addresses the 3 types of people who hear the word of God. One group is like a sower (aka farmer) who sows (aka plants) the seed on rocky soil where the information takes no root inside of the person. The second group is like the sower who sows the seed on a field with thorns and the seed although took root, did not survive because the thorns choked the seedlings. Meaning those who actually accepted a belief in Christ, but allowed life to overwhelm them and lost sight on seeking Christ for help. Then their is the sower who sowed his seed in good soil and the seeds grew and became successful plants. I'm pretty sure that's how christians are suppose to be...
Enoughs enough! I have to get more serious about devouting my life to Christ! I'm tired of being alone and begging my friends to spend time with me. :/ I want to be able to know I'm not alone even when my friends aren't around me. I also want to know that I'm worth something without thinking a guy will bring me worth. (although I still really really want to one day fall in love finally!) I want to feel secure and confident in myself. I want to believe once and for all that Christ really is the Way, Truth, and Life......again I know He is real but knowing and actually believing and applying are 2 different things.
I know this is a palm to face moment but maybe Christ is my yellow brick road???? The more I follow Him the closer I am to finding happiness?
hmm the plot thickens....
~Lo out
Well I suppose now is better than never. . .
So the book of Mark is pretty much talking about Jesus' occupation as a litteral miracle worker who spreads a message of hope and insight to the masses. I'm still mentally stuck on chapter 4's "Parable of the Sower". The story pretty much addresses the 3 types of people who hear the word of God. One group is like a sower (aka farmer) who sows (aka plants) the seed on rocky soil where the information takes no root inside of the person. The second group is like the sower who sows the seed on a field with thorns and the seed although took root, did not survive because the thorns choked the seedlings. Meaning those who actually accepted a belief in Christ, but allowed life to overwhelm them and lost sight on seeking Christ for help. Then their is the sower who sowed his seed in good soil and the seeds grew and became successful plants. I'm pretty sure that's how christians are suppose to be...
Enoughs enough! I have to get more serious about devouting my life to Christ! I'm tired of being alone and begging my friends to spend time with me. :/ I want to be able to know I'm not alone even when my friends aren't around me. I also want to know that I'm worth something without thinking a guy will bring me worth. (although I still really really want to one day fall in love finally!) I want to feel secure and confident in myself. I want to believe once and for all that Christ really is the Way, Truth, and Life......again I know He is real but knowing and actually believing and applying are 2 different things.
I know this is a palm to face moment but maybe Christ is my yellow brick road???? The more I follow Him the closer I am to finding happiness?
hmm the plot thickens....
~Lo out
Sunday, January 17, 2010
My Own Advice
Right now I feel:
Frustrated : because I know in order to achieve peace and joy I have to force myself to want to continue seeking Christ for help.
Angry : because I let my older sister get to me.
Awkward : because I had a gap of silence in a coversation and I feel that should never happen with someone I've known for years.
Doubtful : because I wonder how long my friends will continue to be there for me if I keep this behavior up. I mean doesn't this get old after awhile?
Confused : because I want help, but at the same time afraid of getting help.
Scared : because if I do get help and everything starts to get better in my life, what if a tough time comes my way again? Will I end up where I am now?
Tired : because I have all these awful things constantly swimming in my head and I just want them to go away! I want to be free from the doubts, fears, and negativity that resides within the fleshy walls of mine. I want to be just like everyone else and find joy in the small things, have independance, and live without fear of the past repeating itself.
This is crazy! I don't understand why I can't seem to let anything go! I mean I am still hurting from awful things said by my older sister and my peers from over 6 years ago! I mean I know I haven't changed a lot but I mean I have changed at least my body wise and you know it doesn't look too too awful! I know like barely a few hours ago I was whining about my lack of attractiveness...yeah I still agree that my inside is pretty awful, but my outside is in decent condition. I doubt everyone who comments on my pictures are lying when they say I look pretty.
I hate this stupid thing called insecurity! I know this is driving me way into issues with anxiety, but I know and have GOT to remember that pretty much a majority of girls/women struggle with insecurities. I mean to hear some of the things females do to either hide it or fix it is simply awfull! I myself am included in this awfullness.
Maybe I have something here with this train of thought. What is it going to take for me and the rest of the struggling females out there to grasp the concept of confidence and a sense of humor? I say sense of humor because not only do girls look prettier when they smile but for real we have GOT to lighten up!! Hear I am listing these awful negative thoughts consuming me because I am wound so tight I could probably turn a piece of coal into a diamond in a week! (name that movie)
Ok so this blog is called, "My Yellow Brick Road", not just because I jipped it off [scrubs] (great episode by the way) but because the yellow brick road led dorathy and her comrades (yeah i was thinking of you laura, joe, and spencer) to a place where there goals/ dreams came true. And that's what I want! My goal is to honestly stop piddlen around and truly seek Christ because from what others keep banging into my head....He is the only one who will make me happy. I guess if He is helping my friends find joy and security through Him, maybe I should stop giving up and at least give our relationship another try again.
~Lo out
Frustrated : because I know in order to achieve peace and joy I have to force myself to want to continue seeking Christ for help.
Angry : because I let my older sister get to me.
Awkward : because I had a gap of silence in a coversation and I feel that should never happen with someone I've known for years.
Doubtful : because I wonder how long my friends will continue to be there for me if I keep this behavior up. I mean doesn't this get old after awhile?
Confused : because I want help, but at the same time afraid of getting help.
Scared : because if I do get help and everything starts to get better in my life, what if a tough time comes my way again? Will I end up where I am now?
Tired : because I have all these awful things constantly swimming in my head and I just want them to go away! I want to be free from the doubts, fears, and negativity that resides within the fleshy walls of mine. I want to be just like everyone else and find joy in the small things, have independance, and live without fear of the past repeating itself.
This is crazy! I don't understand why I can't seem to let anything go! I mean I am still hurting from awful things said by my older sister and my peers from over 6 years ago! I mean I know I haven't changed a lot but I mean I have changed at least my body wise and you know it doesn't look too too awful! I know like barely a few hours ago I was whining about my lack of attractiveness...yeah I still agree that my inside is pretty awful, but my outside is in decent condition. I doubt everyone who comments on my pictures are lying when they say I look pretty.
I hate this stupid thing called insecurity! I know this is driving me way into issues with anxiety, but I know and have GOT to remember that pretty much a majority of girls/women struggle with insecurities. I mean to hear some of the things females do to either hide it or fix it is simply awfull! I myself am included in this awfullness.
Maybe I have something here with this train of thought. What is it going to take for me and the rest of the struggling females out there to grasp the concept of confidence and a sense of humor? I say sense of humor because not only do girls look prettier when they smile but for real we have GOT to lighten up!! Hear I am listing these awful negative thoughts consuming me because I am wound so tight I could probably turn a piece of coal into a diamond in a week! (name that movie)
Ok so this blog is called, "My Yellow Brick Road", not just because I jipped it off [scrubs] (great episode by the way) but because the yellow brick road led dorathy and her comrades (yeah i was thinking of you laura, joe, and spencer) to a place where there goals/ dreams came true. And that's what I want! My goal is to honestly stop piddlen around and truly seek Christ because from what others keep banging into my head....He is the only one who will make me happy. I guess if He is helping my friends find joy and security through Him, maybe I should stop giving up and at least give our relationship another try again.
~Lo out
My Game of Sorry
I seem to say "I'm sorry for ______" whenever I am conversing with people. I fear that I tend to constantly bore/annoy people with my constant word vomiting about myself and my problems. I have nothing positive to say about myself because really I have nothing I am proud of. Like I mentioned in my post yesterday all I do is give up. It's gotten to the point where I have grown to getting use to this game of "sorry" where the goal is to keep myself at start instead of taking the risk of potentially getting bumped in hopes to reach the "safe zone".
I view life as a "Why even try! I'm eventually going to land flat on my face anyway where everyone laughs at me." Like that time in 7th grade I made the mistake of telling this one girl my crush and seconds later she goes up to him and tells him this.....the face he made when he heard the news was awful. Like I was eating my boogers or something. The story sounds lame and I'm sure has happend to many people both guys and girls, but then again I'm sure most of those people found better luck shortly after. Unlike me who had her first/bad kiss only a month ago with a guy I didn't want to end up with, in a church parking lot...yeah...I don't think that counts as a religious experiance....
Speaking of religious experiances I can't really think of the last time I actually was aware I was having one. I have given up saying "sorry God for ignoring you". Too be completely honest I haven't spent any time with The Guy since Jan. 4th when I was thanking Him for letting me in to beauty school. Now I curse Him for showing me the stupid door I slammed in His face. I just wish I would finally believe Jesus and find myself worthy of happiness.
Because I don't. I have never found myself longing to be happy. I don't care about being positive because it's only going to be taken away from me. I expect my friends to leave me because they are tired of me, I expect my parents to kick me out of their house, I expect my sister to say I'm fat and unwanted, which to be honest is true. It's hard to see myself as beautiful when the truth is looking me in the face. I don't look attractive, I don't feel attractive, yeah sure I made out with some guy who later said not to tell anyone...oh yeah thats real nice. I still have never had a boyfriend then again when your a sadsack like me well I wouldn't even want to date me.
Guys like girls with high self-esteem and good looks. Why is it that the only guys who want me are simply looking for "jobs".
This is where things have GOT to change! I need to be honest with myself and believe that their is a non-sketchy dude out their begging to want to be with me because I not only have sexy curves and a great rack, But also is kind, compassionate, funny, and creative.
Everyone says they see a lot of potential in me even though I feel everyone is lying, I think my buddy Landon had a great point when he caught on to the fact I was unintentionally trying to get him to say something encouraging which is what everyone else says ....even though I don't believe it.
All this feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in my own disgusting pit of negativity and fear needs to just stop and for good.....ugh!!!! But I don't know how!!!! I have been going through talk therapy but it just isn't enough. I'm hoping that going to a pyschiatrist(sp) to maybe find a problem and give me a solution even if it does involve medication. At this point I'm willing to do anything to find a long lasting sense of happiness!
~Lo out
I view life as a "Why even try! I'm eventually going to land flat on my face anyway where everyone laughs at me." Like that time in 7th grade I made the mistake of telling this one girl my crush and seconds later she goes up to him and tells him this.....the face he made when he heard the news was awful. Like I was eating my boogers or something. The story sounds lame and I'm sure has happend to many people both guys and girls, but then again I'm sure most of those people found better luck shortly after. Unlike me who had her first/bad kiss only a month ago with a guy I didn't want to end up with, in a church parking lot...yeah...I don't think that counts as a religious experiance....
Speaking of religious experiances I can't really think of the last time I actually was aware I was having one. I have given up saying "sorry God for ignoring you". Too be completely honest I haven't spent any time with The Guy since Jan. 4th when I was thanking Him for letting me in to beauty school. Now I curse Him for showing me the stupid door I slammed in His face. I just wish I would finally believe Jesus and find myself worthy of happiness.
Because I don't. I have never found myself longing to be happy. I don't care about being positive because it's only going to be taken away from me. I expect my friends to leave me because they are tired of me, I expect my parents to kick me out of their house, I expect my sister to say I'm fat and unwanted, which to be honest is true. It's hard to see myself as beautiful when the truth is looking me in the face. I don't look attractive, I don't feel attractive, yeah sure I made out with some guy who later said not to tell anyone...oh yeah thats real nice. I still have never had a boyfriend then again when your a sadsack like me well I wouldn't even want to date me.
Guys like girls with high self-esteem and good looks. Why is it that the only guys who want me are simply looking for "jobs".
This is where things have GOT to change! I need to be honest with myself and believe that their is a non-sketchy dude out their begging to want to be with me because I not only have sexy curves and a great rack, But also is kind, compassionate, funny, and creative.
Everyone says they see a lot of potential in me even though I feel everyone is lying, I think my buddy Landon had a great point when he caught on to the fact I was unintentionally trying to get him to say something encouraging which is what everyone else says ....even though I don't believe it.
All this feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in my own disgusting pit of negativity and fear needs to just stop and for good.....ugh!!!! But I don't know how!!!! I have been going through talk therapy but it just isn't enough. I'm hoping that going to a pyschiatrist(sp) to maybe find a problem and give me a solution even if it does involve medication. At this point I'm willing to do anything to find a long lasting sense of happiness!
~Lo out
Saturday, January 16, 2010
My First Blog
it's 9:39pm on satuday Jan. 16 2010 and i feel like a loser. I had a great job at william's bakery pretty much doing nothing and lost it because i couldnt work and go to beauty school full time. Well guess what!?! I'm not in school anymore because I couldnt mentally and emotionally handle it. My goal of getting out of the house, and finally finding a guy is yet just another stupid daydream. Ya know xanax can only help me avoid a panic attack, it doesnt actually fix the problem! I dont understand why out of everyone I have only digressed since senior year. The only real progress Is that suicide, smoking, underage drinking, self inflicted injury and speeding is a no-no. I guess it doesnt help that I'm still haunted by the past abuse from my older sister and my peers bullying me from grade 4th-8th, and the fact that I just never really decided to take my life descions out my parents hands and into mine.
So really as much as I would like to continue playing the "victim card" which expired with my true friends in 2003 and really start [wo]manning up to my own life and figuring out how to work with what I got (which isn't much).
Thus where the blog comes in. I don't know if it will be read but if it does awsome! If not well at least I have a record of my progression in life.
So today right now I am bummed because I have no one to hangout with and nothing to look forward to this week. I really hope that changes. If it does you will know!
~Lo out
So really as much as I would like to continue playing the "victim card" which expired with my true friends in 2003 and really start [wo]manning up to my own life and figuring out how to work with what I got (which isn't much).
Thus where the blog comes in. I don't know if it will be read but if it does awsome! If not well at least I have a record of my progression in life.
So today right now I am bummed because I have no one to hangout with and nothing to look forward to this week. I really hope that changes. If it does you will know!
~Lo out
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