I seem to say "I'm sorry for ______" whenever I am conversing with people. I fear that I tend to constantly bore/annoy people with my constant word vomiting about myself and my problems. I have nothing positive to say about myself because really I have nothing I am proud of. Like I mentioned in my post yesterday all I do is give up. It's gotten to the point where I have grown to getting use to this game of "sorry" where the goal is to keep myself at start instead of taking the risk of potentially getting bumped in hopes to reach the "safe zone".
I view life as a "Why even try! I'm eventually going to land flat on my face anyway where everyone laughs at me." Like that time in 7th grade I made the mistake of telling this one girl my crush and seconds later she goes up to him and tells him this.....the face he made when he heard the news was awful. Like I was eating my boogers or something. The story sounds lame and I'm sure has happend to many people both guys and girls, but then again I'm sure most of those people found better luck shortly after. Unlike me who had her first/bad kiss only a month ago with a guy I didn't want to end up with, in a church parking lot...yeah...I don't think that counts as a religious experiance....
Speaking of religious experiances I can't really think of the last time I actually was aware I was having one. I have given up saying "sorry God for ignoring you". Too be completely honest I haven't spent any time with The Guy since Jan. 4th when I was thanking Him for letting me in to beauty school. Now I curse Him for showing me the stupid door I slammed in His face. I just wish I would finally believe Jesus and find myself worthy of happiness.
Because I don't. I have never found myself longing to be happy. I don't care about being positive because it's only going to be taken away from me. I expect my friends to leave me because they are tired of me, I expect my parents to kick me out of their house, I expect my sister to say I'm fat and unwanted, which to be honest is true. It's hard to see myself as beautiful when the truth is looking me in the face. I don't look attractive, I don't feel attractive, yeah sure I made out with some guy who later said not to tell anyone...oh yeah thats real nice. I still have never had a boyfriend then again when your a sadsack like me well I wouldn't even want to date me.
Guys like girls with high self-esteem and good looks. Why is it that the only guys who want me are simply looking for "jobs".
This is where things have GOT to change! I need to be honest with myself and believe that their is a non-sketchy dude out their begging to want to be with me because I not only have sexy curves and a great rack, But also is kind, compassionate, funny, and creative.
Everyone says they see a lot of potential in me even though I feel everyone is lying, I think my buddy Landon had a great point when he caught on to the fact I was unintentionally trying to get him to say something encouraging which is what everyone else says ....even though I don't believe it.
All this feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in my own disgusting pit of negativity and fear needs to just stop and for good.....ugh!!!! But I don't know how!!!! I have been going through talk therapy but it just isn't enough. I'm hoping that going to a pyschiatrist(sp) to maybe find a problem and give me a solution even if it does involve medication. At this point I'm willing to do anything to find a long lasting sense of happiness!
~Lo out
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