This completely sucks! I feel like crap and I cannot shake it off. Not only is my hair color not impressing me, but while I was heading to the register to pay for the hair dye a guy I use to go to with school past me by. We exchanged glances, and then quickly ran off laughing with his friends pretending that he did not just see me. I hate hate HATE it when guys give me one look and snicker off. Why can't I ever get the double look and smile. Yeah ok so I'm 5'2 and weigh 211. Sorry I'm not a copy of the typical male fantasy.......No actually I am not. What's wrong for wanting to fit in the plus size genre eh? I understand that people are attracted to different things on a person...but to go and be a jerk and make fun of someone is not nice. Yeah my older sister wasn't helpful in my life but really it was the years of the constant awful remarks and actions of my peers that still eat at me. I was a good kid. I wore hand-me-downs instead of designer clothes. I was also very naive and socially awkward. No one had any patients with me when it came to socializing and therefore I never learned how to interact with others naturally.
Now 21 and not in the least bit naive still feel socially awkward and I'm still the only one who doesnt have an ex-boyfriend. And I swear if anyone tells me thats a good thing......UGH I just want to punch their face!!!!
It hurts watching my friends go in and out of relationships. It hurts to try not to rain on their parade when they tell me about their crush, significant other, how their date went, how amazing it was when they shared a hug and a kiss, or worse hearing the words "I love you" pour out of their mouths to eachother. THIS IS TORTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to be told I love you, I want a guy to cuddle on the couch while watching a movie/[scrubs], I want to go and tell my friends about the amazing date I went on, I want expeirance a kiss from a guy who actually loves and is attracted to me!
I don't tell my friends this because I fear they won't to be around me. Then again hiding it is causing me more pain and bitter towards life. So why am I not speaking up? I never really thought of it. I suck at thinking before I speak. I suck at life....I need to not suck.....I need to stop beating myself up! It's my protection against rejection and negativity. When I know I am hard on myself I know when it's coming! When someone else hurts me I go into awfull mental break downs. I'm tired of being broken! I'm tired of breaking myself! I'M TIRED OF BEING WEAK!!!!!!!!!
Why is it that Jesus is the only one who can fix me and yet I still am just getting to know the guy?
~Lo out
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