Right now I feel:
Frustrated : because I know in order to achieve peace and joy I have to force myself to want to continue seeking Christ for help.
Angry : because I let my older sister get to me.
Awkward : because I had a gap of silence in a coversation and I feel that should never happen with someone I've known for years.
Doubtful : because I wonder how long my friends will continue to be there for me if I keep this behavior up. I mean doesn't this get old after awhile?
Confused : because I want help, but at the same time afraid of getting help.
Scared : because if I do get help and everything starts to get better in my life, what if a tough time comes my way again? Will I end up where I am now?
Tired : because I have all these awful things constantly swimming in my head and I just want them to go away! I want to be free from the doubts, fears, and negativity that resides within the fleshy walls of mine. I want to be just like everyone else and find joy in the small things, have independance, and live without fear of the past repeating itself.
This is crazy! I don't understand why I can't seem to let anything go! I mean I am still hurting from awful things said by my older sister and my peers from over 6 years ago! I mean I know I haven't changed a lot but I mean I have changed at least my body wise and you know it doesn't look too too awful! I know like barely a few hours ago I was whining about my lack of attractiveness...yeah I still agree that my inside is pretty awful, but my outside is in decent condition. I doubt everyone who comments on my pictures are lying when they say I look pretty.
I hate this stupid thing called insecurity! I know this is driving me way into issues with anxiety, but I know and have GOT to remember that pretty much a majority of girls/women struggle with insecurities. I mean to hear some of the things females do to either hide it or fix it is simply awfull! I myself am included in this awfullness.
Maybe I have something here with this train of thought. What is it going to take for me and the rest of the struggling females out there to grasp the concept of confidence and a sense of humor? I say sense of humor because not only do girls look prettier when they smile but for real we have GOT to lighten up!! Hear I am listing these awful negative thoughts consuming me because I am wound so tight I could probably turn a piece of coal into a diamond in a week! (name that movie)
Ok so this blog is called, "My Yellow Brick Road", not just because I jipped it off [scrubs] (great episode by the way) but because the yellow brick road led dorathy and her comrades (yeah i was thinking of you laura, joe, and spencer) to a place where there goals/ dreams came true. And that's what I want! My goal is to honestly stop piddlen around and truly seek Christ because from what others keep banging into my head....He is the only one who will make me happy. I guess if He is helping my friends find joy and security through Him, maybe I should stop giving up and at least give our relationship another try again.
~Lo out
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