My next night

last night was incredible and totally needed...but now reality is here and relief is distant again. fear has once again crept itself within my mind.  

I can't stop thinking about the lack of future awaiting me. give me hope in a better life. I wonder if I will ever make it out of my parents house...I wonder if I will succeed in school let alone what i would even go for! Soo many ppl are wanting me to get back into culinary arts...but im scared.  The pressure of perfection is so insane no amount of Xanax in this world I feel would allow me to keep my cool.  Though i do have to say I am great at cooking. The ability is there and a lot of ppl have told me my food is great....but what about my life? What about family?.....what about family???? I don't have a spouse or kids to think about just me...sure like i said there is anxiety...but maybe I was being a smidge over dramatic.  Ugh idk why I'm so on the fence with this! 

Well at least typing this post while at a show is relaxing. Leaning against a wall listening to decent loud live music while one of my guy friends randomly  breaks out a perfectly placed scream full of heart??....and now a random dude just asked a chick to be his girlfriend???? Oook? It's weird typing a post somewhere other than my house...life happens.   

Though I have thoroughly enjoyed my reorganizing room time today! Uh so excited about actually displaying my works on my walls!  No offense to the cullens but it's time for change! Sure i hate the fact my future is unknown BUT the emotions I was able to unleash on canvas from past various emotionally charged days i smile at because I made it through those times....and I have proof. I should really get back to unleashing my creative juices again...who knows what i will capture!?

~Lo out

My night brought to you by my itouch

Tonight I learned what it truly ment to be vulnerable. I have always considered myself an open book.... Or so I thought? Yes I went to the Aaron G. Show tonight expecting to stand ne to my friends and listen to a famous guy sing....but that's not what ended up happening. Once I payed for my ticket I started feeling anxious. My heart was racing, I felt like walls were closing in, and the air feeling thinner. So I tried calming down with methods given to me by my therapist...and I felt even worse. It makes me feel so frustrated to have to deal with this disorder especially when A) I just want to have a good time B) what to say to ppl about my behavior and C) because its not fair to my friends and family who have to put up with this.

Well I ended up driving me and dudesie tonight so I couldn't just bail...so I decided that maybe being a wall flower would be ok.

That was the best idea :)

since everyones eyes were on Aaron and it was loud I got to finally pray aloud and spill everything out on the floor to God. How I felt so lost. Questioning why God loved me because of all things I have denied and put up as a front...was that I honestly felt unlovable. I don't even truly love myself and that's a hard thing for me to admit. This and amOng other things corroding my heart were chipped and scraped away tonight once I totally allowed Christ to see the real me. I left and still feel lighter and sooo much more at ease....I know this maynot feel the same forever but at least putting to bed lies is a start. I'm kinda ok now that I have an anxiety disorder after this....it's a way to force myself to seek God first before anyone/anything else.



Tho life. Would be easier without it....

~Lo out

My oh so smoothe day

Today is going almost as smoothe as my kona coffee with a splash of chocolate milk :) 

~Lo out

My weekend im looking foward to and hopefully will meet expectations :)

where in the world is all my energy going...a one year old...*rolls eyes* i do love him...goodness and i only have to spend 9hours with him...imagine if i had to take care of him 24/7! So i suppose that is the main reason why i have been kinda a couch potato when i can. choosing to chill at home instead of tons of social oppurtunities....saying that aloud sounds weird....this coming from the chick who complained to EVERYONE that she felt sooooo alone and that no one wanted to hangout.....funny how times change and to all yall i complained to...im very sorry and you were right...spending time alone is an amazing thing :) lol

oh snap forgot to mention....i am seeing Aaron G. from Underoath/The Almost tomorrow! uh if there was anyone else i considered a muscial gift from God....Aaron next to Tyson Ritter....cant deny it i do love me some AAR :P anyway Aaron is playing an acoustic worship set at a church i go to on tuesday nights so this is going to be super intimate as opposed to seeing him at The National or Canal Club...i have no clue what he will played or how it will be but seriously dude its going to be a freakin sweet night  and ill be soo stoked to put a pic of it in project 11 :) 

*calming exhale*

after the start of the week being freaking stressful...im relieved to see my weekend looking like a fun yet calming one :)

heres hoping for plans of free chips and queso at chilis tonight with friends *raises invisible glass*

~Lo out

My short story

today has been exhausting. knowing that im not alone helps. tonight is eighteen22 and im looking forward  knowing that there is spiritual relief awaiting for me.

~Lo out

My friend Nemo

Who knew that Finding Nemo would captivate the attention of a one year old....how does disney do that!?!? that movie somehow got my nephew to sit down QUIETLY and stare at the movie the entire time! I hope it works tomorrow!?! totally trying it again! Lets see....well today was an easy day, not only did I not have to clean thanks to my awsome mom who suprised me by doing the dishes...but i got in a mile on the treadmill in under 14mins...a new time....oh yeah there was the vast ocean of urine that saturated the downstairs blankets i had to take care of...well at least the boy stay hydrated! Then drove him home in the "sweet ride" aka the SUV in my ray-bands and past out on the couch only to wake up and spend a lovely evening in my room with a bowl of nachos, Bible, journal, and some sweet pens and highlighters...that is how i quiet time! One verse that really stuck out to me especially since im still stuggling with some irritating self-destructors was Matthew 26:41...im not going to tell you what it is...because its up to you if you want to find out :) if you dont thats cool...if you do...well then ill doubt u will have wasted your time doing it! Going to chill with some great people tonight.

~Lo Out

My desire awakens

* loud on clap then rubs hands together* kind of a way for me to help the words flow from my never ceasing mind onto the keyboard. Not that I really have anything profound to say today....then again to I ever :P

Im impressed with myself with how well I have been keeping up with making sure communication with God occurs daily...like crazy impressed! In fact last night I even decided to crank open the dusty pink Bible and have some much needed quiet time *gasp* lol ok so that shouldnt be a big deal for a christian to do...actually if one thinks about it...a christian blowing dust off a Bible is a pretty pathetic action to even mention!  The desire to dive into the Bible and gaze through the passages should be so strong that its as your hands were super-glued to the book....but lets be honest....I really have never ment somone of the sorts. I doubt anyone would...odds are those people spend time in there homes reading instead of going out into the world and actually doing what God calls us in  the Bible to do.....then again coming right back into the initial question....how do we know what God is calling us to do if we never read?? But if we are wasting our time reading...how will God's work ever be done???

Random to post about this...but I guess the Peru app even tho its done (yeah i finished it friday...*gasp*) I'm still thinking about those essay questions....not that the application was bad or awfull...just extreamly thought provoking....as it should be especially when it comes to shipping people to represent the organizations...and even the country to other parts of the world.  While I was going through the questions I couldnt help thinking how unqualified I must sound...i kinda suck at properly articulating what I really am feeling/thinking....unless well its on a place like this where there is no pressure. I know in my heart I belong in Peru because I feel God drawing me there for some unknown reason like the world's strongest magnet....but with all my complaints with filling out this document I did gain a desire to build an even stronger connection to God then before!  It's pretty crazy.....yeah i know i have been going on in the blog the last couple of days with trying to be a "better version" of me...and i really feel like the application in an odd sort of way was a great way to kick start this. having to dig down deep and explain why I feel so strongly about a relationship with God/Christ and why I feel that others should know Him and have a similar desire.....that even though i may have lost that strong deep desire with everything thats gone on in the last couple of months....my desire wasnt completely gone...just simply dormant...and now the desire is starting to awake inside me....cliche yes...true...oh yeah!  I'm not saying im on some crazy spiritual high or anything....but i am starting to be a little more aware of how i act/what i say/what i do around my friends and family. I wouldnt say im a different person... i still have my moments im not exactly a shining star...but hey at least im closer to a "better me" then i was before!

~Lo out

My night nap

today was very tiring...i just woke up from a nap 10mins ago....even tho its almost 9:30pm...well im a night hawk so its not really that big of a deal...any way eli was much more energetic today...lots of "ahhh no eli!" and "come back here!".....but he laughs so its not like i could stay mad at him forever :) the kid is sooo darn  cute...he could get away with murder!.....well ok maybe not murder tho i would be highly impressed if he did do something of the sort.....he is only 18mths old

After work i get to chill with a slightly older chick i talk to  whenever i need someone to listen/ give me a little spiritual insight. We went over some questions for my Peru application.....(no i still havent filled it out yet...*rolls eyes*  BUT after she broke it down for me and reminded me that the questions shouldnt be taking soooo literally.... I felt better and more confident...so TOMORROW i am making it my priority to actually do the document .  I just have to have faith that regardless of how i may look on paper...that if God truly feels Im needed in Peru for His work.....then i will be :)  (i really do feel He does btw)

another thing this chick and i talked about was just some frustration i have been having with details dealing with my nannying job...$95 dollars a week 10 hrs a day and never really knowing what time for sure the parents are going to be home...yeah totally see why i would be slightly irritated....so as cliche as this sounds i actually talked to God/prayed that He would do anything to relieve some of the uneasyness....and He totally granted it...i went to see my mom who was typing up a fair contract for me and my older sister....YES!

So yeah thats when i felt like i could wind down and sleep soundly on the couch...only to be awoken to one of my best chick friends and we are going out tonight!


uh i soooo could use this too!


~Lo out

My first biblestudy

i have a good feeling about the girls biblestudy i just attended :) we are going to discuss spiritual discipline spread out over a couple of weeks. next week we will be discussing the discipline of prayer...with each topic we were asked to practice doing the discipline as best as we could, and also journal/ research it (biblically) as well....im excited to begin this...i even spent some money on sharpie pens *giggles* (sn. i love sharpie markers....and i have yet to try there pens so im especially excited) this will be a hardcopy journal...but no worries im still going to be on this jahnke as well:) i mean how could neglect this place! that being said....(wont promise) but i would like to post/at least mention about this discipline journal....prayer is a good place to start....i suck at remembering to pray/talk to God....uh sooo stoked about this!


~Lo out

My [not so]hot potato

i shouldnt be upset over patatos...but i am...what i heard was "lorissa, dad wants you wash off and wrap potatoes in foil"  what i found out an hour later....i was suppose to also put them in the oven....then of course dad blows the whole thing out of proportion going off on how i should have assumed to put them in and saying "what if i bought a car but didnt let you drive it" stupid gay "if then" statements he does JUST to prove a point which wasnt made...because he has also lectured me on how i shouldnt "assume" COME ON! im either going to do one or the other.....how am i suppose to figure out what you want me to do...im not a mind reader * rolls eyes*  dslgfq'wghq'wel'wlregwejgqhew'rohger 'ohg'

*harsh exhale*


and i was having such an impressivily good day....*shakes head* of course something so rediculous would come in and harsh my mellow.....im not sure what comment frustrated me the most...the car thing...or that he said after i told him i have never made a baked potato before..."didnt they teach you that in culinary arts????" no...they didnt...because we only had 2 hours of class time and why on earth would we waste it waiting for a POTATO to cook for a freaking hour???? no instead we would make wasabi and sourcream whipped potatos piped onto a plate...not wrapped up in foil.....seriously.....

its hard to be completely frustrated with my dad....i mean i do love the guy...he does a lot for the family and we are pretty irritating....lately i feel like we have not been  getting well together like we use to *frowns*  well i guess the only way to fix this is for me to just let stuff not get to me...appologize...and make sure i dont do it again....im gonna say that 80% of it is my fault...i have been pret-ty uptight lately...tho when he messed with my redbull....that was a major line crosser...everyone knws not to mess with Lo's redbull....*snickers* :)  still...not a reason to hold anything against the guy...why is the people i love always frustrate the crap out of me....and get away with it....because, without them who would  rag on me...it builds character!


~Lo out

My impressively good day

today is going surprisingly well :) dude seriously not only has my nephew been super easy, but as soon as i got him down for a nap he gave me plenty of time to clean, workout, take a shower, make myself normal look ("there is no such thing as natural beauty"~Steel Magnolias) then when i went to check on him....his mom came a whole hour early! uh lol i should tell myself its going to be a good day EVERYDAY! Whats even more impressive is i still havent had my coffee today! Where in the world is this energy coming from???  So carrying on with my plan of achieving a "better verison of me" im going to try out this new biblestudy tonight...speaking of i really need to have one of my own. oh and i need to fill out that app....i wish i was a better writer...or else i wouldnt be so concerned about filling it out :/  once its done and sent off i will feel better....because then i have more of a chance to go then having none at all....and it would also be nice if more ppl went as well....or that i get hit with a bolt of spanish lightning and have the power to speak spainish...and cook as well as latin americans....oh muh gosh can they cook a mean meat dish! 

Hasta Luego

~Lo out

My inner construction zone

New year....so i figure its time to bring out a better version of me...so today i decided to take advantage of the fact i see a therapist and really discuss how im going about achieving a better version of me.  Now i am not going into detail, but i will say this...i was surprised how tough it is to be completely honest with ourselves and share it with someone.  Having to dig down and bring up the dirty laundry was soo much harder than i thought.  however...the secrets we keep inside whether we relize it or not...they do infact keep you sick. I guess in that case you could say i have been pretty sick for a looong time and its crazy how much it has impacted me...so as tough as it was today airing out the laundry....im surprisingly feeling like a tiny weight has been lifted....im not saying all is fixed...but just knowing im A) not alone B) have a game plan ...is helpful

gosh no wonder i have been such a.......frustrating person to be around!  one positive thing i have seen with this frustration is  being open to whomever crosses my path...not being phased by anything....cant say im "nonjudgemental" because i totally do the whole look at the cover of a book and decide if its cool thing....BTW twilight has cool  book covers :P so im not soo perfect but it someone came up to me and said they struggled with  insert personal struggle then i would be like first ur cool cuz ur being real and i like that and second i would say nonchalantly "ok".  and then listen to you and if asked give as best advice as i could....I guess that is a spiritual gift i have...being phased by nothing...is that one???

I'm relieved to know that God is phased by nothing and loves me no matter what...thats pretty awsome

~Lo out

My crimson curse->thats really not that bad....

Being on my period may explain the reason im sooo senstive right now...but what doesnt seem to make sense is how easy this year seems to be going....im still no where near where i would like to be spiritually/maturity/emotionally/physically....basically all the "ly"words..  Yes never trust anything that bleeds and doesnt die (a famous phrases quoted by my guy friends).  Ugh this month is the first time i have struggled so much physically and emotionally with this stupid curse "blessed upon all women of the earth.....when i open my eyes and see any survivors from this Lo storm....im going to be impressed...

I need to get this together *thinks of stu from hangover* This is only from the first of this month....and im only halfway into it! ikdjg'irgarjgqrwogjrqo'pqrjgqrejgqerpgjrpogjqre'pogjer'ojgqer'po

Tomorrow i have a session....the last time i went to therapy i was still employed at my retail job...ho-ly-crap. sooo much has happend sense then...uh and only 50 mins to pick through the messy parts.....btw with how i have been lately that is NOT enough time whatsoever. I feel bad for my housemate...they totally dont deserve to have to live with such an emotional creature. *rolls eyes* ill get this jahnke together....yup

well im closing out this post on a high...because having this blog up and decently running for a year is pretty freaking exciting! Look back through my post and seeing my progression is very helpful...i should make reading them more frequent to have a wiser future....will that happen...not sure BUT what i can tell you is that i would have never thought i would be where i am today a year ago...cliche yes....true...totally!

Thanks to everyone who encouraged me throughout all of last year...it was a doozy...one of the roughest years ever in life...you know who you are and i hope this year i will get the chance to return the favors :)

Peace to all

~Lo out

My todo list

Good afternoon.....it is :) despite the fact that my cramps are totally beating the crap out of me....i have to say that is the only thing i have to complain about :)  not to shabby if i may say so. 

Alright well this is what i have done today.....made lunch...watch tv...put away food...watched more tv...made pumpkin spiced crescent rolls.....coffee..and this.

i love days like these...where magically when your suppose to be working....someone waves their magic wand and your entire schedual is opened up!  i have nooooo idea what tonight is going to bring...hoping more chillage idk...but regardless im very content with this form of unknown.  One thing i do however need to start doing is really getting back in to the swing of a quiet time...ugh *smacks head* i have got to STOP putting this off!  Ooh one thing i need to start doing is figuring out what im going to do with project 11....yeah im making it a bigger deal than what it really is....a simple collection of tangible moments in life....but then again...after last year....i dont want to miss anything!  sure judging by the look in some pictures ppl may not like the idea of being randomly captured....however....maybe when the bigger picture is seen next year...they will....maybe....alright ramble over...another thing on my  "11 to do list" is figure out what classes i really want/have to take in the fall....math for sure possibly english all over again....idk maybe i did well in history....for sure a psyc class....possibly spainish....kinda questioning that one....i dont want to get over my head with something and fail it....yikes....yeah for once i would like to actually ace some classes....but i will cross that road when i get there....


untill then enjoy the peace, quiet, and acute twisting internal pain :P

~Lo out

My old chill

It's so good to be home :) back behind a nice bright computer screen again.....ugh do i suck at routine or what!?!?!  well im so stoked to say that in just 5 days this blog will be exactly 1 year old and still somewhat active! thats more than what a lot of people can say i knw who have started blogs!  sure there are huge gaps between post from time to time...BUT i must say i have been pretty good about posting...yup!

So my new year's resolution is to post more frequently than the last year...make sure i dont have any months that are postless.....then again if God decides I should be best placed in San Jose de Quero...then well posting might be slightly more difficult....but lets not think too far ahead this year....i mean january isnt even over! 

*sips coffee* mmhmm...yes i love "my" Keurig.....i put "my" in qoutes because technically its not...but i use it so much it might as well be :).....oh and i have this cute valentine day mug aka "my getaway mug"

 

yum!

Ok well  anyway...so i started this little side project. Its basically just taking at least one (but not limited to) pics everyday no matter what it is! and i hope to make a scrapbook or something..but as of rightnow its just a folder.  I think it will be a great way to gain prospective of how im growing as a "somewhat" mature adult....i mean 23 is a pretty adult age...and thats how old ill be this year...thank goodness....22 is such an awful age! I really hope my friends get better luck with this age.  So far 22 is known for tragedy.....ugh

Looking forward to tonight...21 and up chillage..yes

~Lo out