Tonight I learned what it truly ment to be vulnerable. I have always considered myself an open book.... Or so I thought? Yes I went to the Aaron G. Show tonight expecting to stand ne to my friends and listen to a famous guy sing....but that's not what ended up happening. Once I payed for my ticket I started feeling anxious. My heart was racing, I felt like walls were closing in, and the air feeling thinner. So I tried calming down with methods given to me by my therapist...and I felt even worse. It makes me feel so frustrated to have to deal with this disorder especially when A) I just want to have a good time B) what to say to ppl about my behavior and C) because its not fair to my friends and family who have to put up with this.
Well I ended up driving me and dudesie tonight so I couldn't just bail...so I decided that maybe being a wall flower would be ok.
That was the best idea :)
since everyones eyes were on Aaron and it was loud I got to finally pray aloud and spill everything out on the floor to God. How I felt so lost. Questioning why God loved me because of all things I have denied and put up as a front...was that I honestly felt unlovable. I don't even truly love myself and that's a hard thing for me to admit. This and amOng other things corroding my heart were chipped and scraped away tonight once I totally allowed Christ to see the real me. I left and still feel lighter and sooo much more at ease....I know this maynot feel the same forever but at least putting to bed lies is a start. I'm kinda ok now that I have an anxiety disorder after this....it's a way to force myself to seek God first before anyone/anything else.
Tho life. Would be easier without it....
~Lo out
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