This week for some reason has just been a hard one emotionally. Grief has decided to come knocking back on my door and hasnt left me alone. Sure I'll shoo it away for a time being and it will leave...but it just comes right back. Losing my job as a nanny to my nephew (which is official now) just makes it worse. My nephew brings me so much joy and knowing that as little as i got paid it was enough to keep my parents at ease with "my finances". Now i have to go back to this stupid job hunting which is stressfull as it is unless God gives both my older sister and i a break and presents us with jobs again....speaking of which i put in an application at a place i worked like 1 year ago...odds of getting that job....well its seriously would be God if I got it again because sadly i left on one of the worsts notes ever...
I'm just super scared right now. Sure I have hope that God has plans for me...that doesnt make it less scary and stressfull. To understand that the only thing ahead of me is unknown is one of those mixed feeling kinda things. Right now I'm terrified because I feel helpless and i wish i knew what was ahead of me so i would have some comfort. Its ironic that this week's discipline is fellowship....because even though i have always craved being around people...i now crave nothing more then to stay away from everyone. Im such a mess its not even funny. I dont honestly see how my presence could benifit anothers. Who knew the one discipline that should be the easiest would turn out to be the most challenging. I just wish i could figure out what to do/ say when someone is trying to cheer me up because being alone isnt really that helpfull.
"In the end, the most important thing to accept is that no matter how alone you feel, how painful it may be, with the help of those around you, you'll get through this too." ~JD [scrubs] "My Screw Up"
~Lo out
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