My 'kids'

I have had the MGMT song "Kids" stuck in my head all day...well maybe stuck isnt the right word, more like floating around. Its not a bad song, no vulgarity, its catchy, its simple. The first time i heard it was on pandora...the second time i heard it was in this youtube video.  The video i watched wasnt an official band made , but one made from i guess some college students...anyway amongst a montage of video clips it has two people with painted face moving and lip syncing the words....the guy has captured my attention.


Yes when i first watched him, i thought he was attractive...but now i cant seem to stop watching. he is so captivating. his expression is so real and lately i havent been who i really am.  recently i have tried to slip back in to this pretend land where there is nothing but plastic people and painted smiles....but i guess my membership at the door is now being declined and i have to stay out in the cold.  to be honest i have really wanted to start running away from this new sadness created by loss, regret, and confusion.  It's hard to stay positive when those closest around you just cant seem to find peace and comfort no matter what....all i want is for them to have relief.  seeing the anguish in their eyes no matter how much they ignore her, surprisingly ebbs away at me.  Its not fair that as much as my friends have told me repeatedly that they are here for me and are willing to listen....that i myself wont allow me to truly release completely how i feel.  part of it is fear they will tell others and then word gets around to my family and i no longer seem strong enough for them, another is i myself will feel not strong enough to handle this, but mostly is because i honestly dont believe she is gone.

I went to her veiwing

i went to her funeral

i went to her grave

not enough proof.

i guess thats true what the kid says in "the santa clause"

"seeing isnt believing, believing is seeing"


~Lo out