My ledge

it was easier walking the thin wire while having two places to grip one's hands.  But now, its just a thin wire to walk on, and a thin wire to hold ....sure there's a harness to keep  from falling, but the fear is still there. What if the harness breaks?  

I actually have been on a high ropes course before.....and somehow, even tho my feet are safely on the ground....those same emotions, fears, nervous feeling are rushing over me again...now.

I cant imagine quitting this job. it's the best i have ever have....but knowing i have to go in and feeling so closed in by all these fears, doubts, and sadness......isnt exactly preparing me for my 6hr shift...but i have to go in.  I couldnt find anyone to cover me...can i blame them? no not really, i never cover for anyone else because i need those days off so i dont get emotionally overloaded.  The good news is i do get to change my availiblity....though i have forgotten how...so that doesnt help, but quitting is not an option.

but back to the opening paragraph.  I have decided that im going in.  I'm scared and I will probably break down....but i have to for me.  If i get fired well...that sucks but thats the only way im going out....though i doubt i would get fired for crying.   My major problem when im upset isnt the crying its the inability to open my mouth out of fear of what words...if any will come out...and i dont mean what kind of words...no i mean even saying words....words that actually make sense.  I have been trying to figure out what room would even be the less threatening....

room 1: being outgoing with a smile, and making sure people are greeted and aware your there for them

cashier: basically cashier of course being outgoing and a smile...but theres also making sure they are being rung up properly or are having their returns/exchanges handles in a calm and understanding fashion

room 3/fitting room: basically the same is room one except the nice thing is the clients are usually a little easier since its trying stuff, locating items, and making sure they are getting exactly what is right for them.

none of that usually scares me...in fact all of those locations i have had the pleasure of enjoying....its just harder to enjoy anything right now....but thats too bad.  It's hard to wrap my head around this, but for the first time ever, no matter what happens i'm going in.  maybe mom is right and this is God wanting me to learn something.........*silence*

im not ready to step off the ledge, but there's a line of people behind me for their turn.

~Lo out