please forgive me for the lack of entries. the computure i use to use..well is no more :/ that and my lovely car chloe...who tragically had her radiator blown up earlier today while simply getting her tailights fixed :/ go figure.... I'm in a better mood than i was for most of today. even tho im 22 i still have blowouts..temper tantrums i guess except unlike somone i knw....i dont hit people. i just jump up and down and scream...and cry. but only when im pushed to my ultimate emotional point. Thus happening around 11am technically yesterday...but yeah....to hear my car...aka my escape pod is out of comission because of lack of communication about the fact my car easily over heats....was not what i needed. This summer SUCKED!! yeah it did for a lot of people i get it...people losing bfs/gfs, spending it looking for a job, feeling lonely for one reason or another....but no one ever asked me why mine did...not very many people asked me how i was doing while the summer was going on....i wish they did :/ instead i decided to pretend that the lack of communication didnt hurt me and ran away from the hurt by getting involved into the most ridiculous stupid trouble that was sooo not helpful. infact it made me feel even worse....causing me to spiral farther untill thankfully i got a break from the tempting crap when God gave me a chance to do some missions in Peru. The most amazing spiritual vacation i have ever been on....that was between aug.12-21 and since then i have been trying to turn over a new leaf and be the person i use to be....but yet incorporating some new better traits.....but that being said...to go back to what happend "yesterday" it wasnt just the car that threw me to my boiling point, it was the fact that i miss my friendships...whether they are lacking because of distance, school, work, or i was stupid and burn bridges before i even knew what was on the other side. ...and then theirs the new family member who im getting crap from ppl because i dont want to be around her,new born babies make me nervous....then its the fact that her mom and dad are people who are causing a lot of family drama......
all that and along with the fact that the 25th was suppose to be my Papa's 92nd birthday....yeah thats not happening......I hate that i STILL miss him!! he is dead he is NEVER coming back!!!! NOTHING I DO WILL BRING HIM BACK!! crying isnt going to bring him back, pleading isnt going to bring him back, talking to my friends about him isnt going to bring him back........and yet deep down inside, i wish i could say, "hey, i knw its been 3 months but i really miss Papa, and im hurting." yeah what are they suppose to say?? "um.....im sorry?", "uh.....oooook....and what do u want to do/say"......... pointless......so many times i have prayed, begging to God to take this away, to help me to feel comforted, to give me peace....but it only last long enough for me to get through work. My therapist told me i should write down my feelings towards him. i did and i feel the same....still no closer.......i wish i could take a road trip to KY and while back "home" go to his grave. I couldnt go to the funeral with my family....i dont regret not going....but i need to see where he is now, but not with them around.....
sorry.....this all probably doesnt make much sense or flow properly, eh whatever. *shakes head* im just tired...and i want to know that something good is coming around the corner for me. . .because im tired of wondering.
so far being 22 sucks!
~Lo out
No comments:
Post a Comment